Thursday, July 24, 2014

These are not the stories I will tell my children or grandchildren....Maybe when they're the age I am now. I'm 26? What, no way.

I have been wading in options, bored, heart broken, bored. I have been too open and vulnerable, too callous, too flighty, too flakey, too anaytical, not analytical enough. All of these mistakes are collecting into walls around my heart. Naked Miley Cyrus riding a wrecking ball knows whats up when she talks about Liam knocking all that down. (Sorry that's just where my mind went for a second.)

All this makes me sound shallow, overly fixated on sex, and I am to an extent, but at the core of me, I want romance. I don't mean in a classic way, being courted I guess. I just want to be taken away by storm. The issues with stormy whirlwind romances though are that they can end just as abruptly. The last relationship I had was an exciting tornado that came into my life and disappeared. Call me? No.

Maybe what I really want is the love that starts slow at the roots....then one day shakes my branches and shows me what was blooming all along...shows me more metaphors to think of and write down. I read something the other day though that kind of awakened something in me. It said something along the lines of "Often times people ask for what they want in a mate... they say I want them to be smart, funny, honest, loving...etc. But rarely do we say I want to give this person this, I want to be this for/with this person, share this with them." And it made me think of how selfish I've been. I think this is the struggle of being 26. I still want to have fun, to go out, to be thrilled and excited, to be teased by mixed messages and feelings....yet I want someone I can rely on and you know, actually talk to about real things. Half of my friends are already getting married, the other half are going to drug filled music festivals and losing shit (I went to EDC too, and lost my phone...)

My vision for the future, though blurry, still tells me I will be happy, I will be okay. Facebook and all of it's wonderful sugary surface perception of things makes me feel somehow not caught up. I'm just floating along though. I don't feel 26. I don't feel like I have to get married or have babies anytime soon. I am a pretty kickass babysitter though, so I feel happy for people around me that do want these things. I've just always sort of been in the pull between things...that's just me. I'm an outgoing introvert. A selectively social clown. Passive aggressive. Sensitive and harsh. Maybe these mistakes that I think are collecting into bricks around me are just leading up to a higher view. I can keep going and make things better. I can get to where I want to stop and look and everything before just makes the view more beautiful. I can write and write and write and hope that someone hears me.
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