Saturday, February 18, 2012

Honestly, I didn't expect to love you so much.
you have this cold exterior to you when you meet people, as if talking to someone will somehow reveal a crack in your designs.
if I put that in less poetic terms, I thought you were a dick when I first met you.
I tried to talk to you about Daft Punk because it was playing at a party we were both invited to and I thought you were very attractive. Shame on me for being shallow I guess, but a few years before that my shyness would have prevented me from even introducing myself to you, so why not go up to the attractive looking guy dammit? So when you looked at me as if I were an interruption, as if I was a pop-up window annoying bullshit-advertisement in the way of your important task of ladling punch into your red plastic cup, I thought to myself: "well shit, i just wanted to talk about daft punk." I like a challenge sometimes though, so I pried a little further, and I say pry because I had to-even in this very PG conversation. I tried to ask you more questions. your monosyllable answers were tiring and I never want to have to beat a "yeah" response out of someone, so I left you at the punch bowl.
but now theres....now. after a series of moments leading up to now I realized why the shell was there and even came to respect the shell. At first I found myself really wanting to impress you sometimes, but after a certain point I make a mental "fuck it" note in my head if someone doesn't seem interested in what I have to say. So I noted the "fuck it" in my head and continued being myself as I pleased to be. For so long I thought if I was totally and comfortably myself around you you would never see me in a loving light. but I thought you were just jerk so I stopped trying to impress you. I cared less about my appearance, I belched, I told stories i wouldnt tell on a first date. and I noticed that your shell wasnt exactly cracking but it was shifting....you were actually talking to me and because it seemed to take so long, the thoughts you shared that I knew you wouldnt share with someone new seemed to hold more importance. as you told me about a memory you had as a boy, I knew that this was special. If I made you laugh, it was as if I had created symphony. I made him laugh! musical. magical. wonderful.
but im weary of digging for answers and opinions so I still in a sense brushed you off as I had felt you had done to me and things carried on this way for awhile because I didnt see you around that much. then I came back home for good and I saw you more and more and it was easier to make you laugh. and surprisingly I found myself to be enjoying your company. I felt relaxed. Before I felt anxious and on edge that I wouldnt be interesting enough for you to move your lips and actually talk with me. not just reply, but actually talk. my sister in law lovingly dubbed you the title of "an onion." when you let an intimate detail slip out, a corner of you would peel back and it was beautiful to watch. it took a very long time, but it was beautiful. and I know when people first meet you theyre feeling like me at the punch bowl, but I know youre deeper than that. alarmingly deep in fact. I never would have thought your feelings could be so strong. I never thought you would love me like you do. what a most wonderful way to be proven wrong though. first impressions are false. I dont care how genuine you are-when you meet someone at first.. its fake. you know nothing. a person could smile and look at you with listening eyes but be rotten inside. a person could be trying to talk to you about Daft Punk just because they initially found you attractive, not because they had sampled your sparkling personality. So I get the shell. The onion layers. I respect your walls I guess. they never really go away but just soften with certain people and with time. it can still be frustrating, but I find that things that are instantly gratifying lose appreciation fast.
Post a Comment