Monday, February 27, 2012

It's hard not to compare yourself to other people. I mean, people are all around you. and even when youre not around people, they still tell you what theyre doing and the other people theyre with, where they have "checked in". Facebook just puts rumors in writing. There even used to be a "compare people" app on facebook. Tell the computer who will be more successful- random guy from high school or random guy from work- & then you can "unlock" what other people said about you & how you rank. it actually said rank! but even though that kinda shit makes me feel a little sticky inside, Im completely curious and I hate that. I hate that because everyone buys into it, including myself. I see people my age successful & living on their own and i can't help but feel behind. but then that optimistic asshole in my head says something like "yeah, well maybe theyve never loved as deeply as you either...or grew up with an amazing family...or lots of other things to be thankful for"
Still, I can't help but feel Im getting to the point where I need to be responsible. I probably should have gotten to that point awhile ago, but! last night at work while I stood at the front desk with nothing to do, my coworker let me borrow her self-help book & it told me that I'm at the right place & the right time because this is my life and I've made it mine.
I need some self-help at accepting self-help.
in some ways I think I create chaos in my head so I won't have to listen to my own naked thoughts. Naked in the sense that it's just myself I'm dealing with. My thoughts singing acoustically. kinda scary.
I thought about what goals I have and I started out by saying I want to have my own place in a year, I wanna have more $, etc. and yes those things would be nice, but I feel like its because of how I compare myself to other people that I ask for those things. It pisses me off when people make goals into tangible objects. but I do it. Yes I wanna buy my own car! Yes I want to be successful. but if i remove myself from materialness (it's hard to if I'm honest with myself) these are my real hopes:
I want to be something.
I want to spread my happiness to others.
I want love and laughter to always be present in my life.
I want to both give & receive support to/from others.
I want ambition. I want my fears to become quieter every day.
I want to be proud of myself.
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