Monday, February 27, 2012

mom always tells me about how shy I was as a baby. I used to hide behind her legs. my little fists used to bunch up and tightly clutch the fabric of her pants. She tried to introduce me to good friends. Probably ladies who would smile very close to my face and say strings of sounds I didn't understand. Probably perfectly pleasant people who I didn't want to meet.
I had a big problem with eye contact as I grew older. I couldn't order a sandwich & look at the waiter. If you were looking at me I couldn't look at you. When I was 15 I couldn't look my first boyfriend in the eyes. at first it was kinda cute, then it got annoying. One day we were outside & I was extremely self conscious about how my makeup looked & if its flaws would be amplified by the sun (the insecure thoughts of a 15 year old girl) & I wouldn't look him in the eyes. He wrestled me down to the grass and said he would loosen his love lock if I just looked at him! But I wouldnt. I couldn't because I didn't feel confident. I didn't want the realization that someone else was looking at me. I couldn't even believe eyes would see me in a sexual way. Getting me to look at him was difficult. getting me to relax and let our first kiss happen was also an actual struggle- he had to pin me down on his couch (I wanted to so badly but kept getting scared). but I did eventually let these things happen because I wanted to fall in love. I knew if I let him go I would be missing a chance at really living. my first love. my first of the few cracks in my heart. my first of many love poems. my first im not a virgin anymore chat with my parents.
I knew my doubts wouldnt take me to prom. it was still difficult though. I wouldn't even let a boyfriend see me without makeup until a couple years ago. I used to wake up early in the morning and touch it up. Yes, I'm aware that sounds retarded.

I feel like my insecurities havent always stopped me from things but theyve definitely hindered progress & slowed certain areas of my life down. I had so many negative thoughts and fears about learning how to drive & getting hired for a better job that I just let the negativity act as an anchor and stayed weighed down without venturing forward. I took my sweet time. I avoided getting behind the wheel and practicing. I stayed at a job I knew was not paying well enough for all the work that I did. I was comfortable not changing. comfortable, but not proud. If it's something new & challenging, I still have the internal urge to grab my mom's pant legs. But Ive gotten so much better. People dont even know how much better. (maybe a little more of an idea now). I still have a ways to go.
I could stay afraid. stay insecure. stay doubtful. stay sheltered. stay too comfortable. stay, but where will I go?
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