Saturday, January 14, 2012
Why does anyone react physically? You can't put your anger into words so you put it into pain. Sentences form as the lines of your palms. Words stay trapped & squeezed into fists.
I remember I was so angry at you that I slapped you right across the face. I had nothing else to say! I had already talked for hours, so it felt right. I was exhausted & I wanted you to feel it. I could feel the heat on my neck, the blood climbing up, hot & rash. Turning red. I took my red & slapped it onto your face. Because for a moment there, the sympathy was smacked right out of me. I responded in passion. So you know I meant it.
& then, the red melted. That fiery flare of temper was put out by the colder reality of what had really happened. Exclamations turned into questions. Turned into doubts. turned into ladders leading up to nowhere. Anger can be so soothing because at least in the midst of it you feel justified, charged with your side of the story. There's a shield there. There's a defense in not thinking clearly. But I'm not one of those people who can stay angry for very long. & thank goodness & love for that, that I don't carry anger around like some hateful torch. Crying is so wonderful if you think about it. I've wondered what the scientific reason for crying is... I mean yes, you tear up when something is in your eye, that part makes sense. But why when you're sad, overcome, shocked, whatever? I think that you are so overwhelmed by your own feelings & thoughts that the mind just needs a break. It doesn't know how else to deal with the sudden swell of emotions so it releases stress physically. The mind has no answers in that moment, it almost seems like an emergency exit of sorts. You can't figure out how to work it out in your head so your body tries to help. You've been mentally slapped in the face, so the only way you can describe it is by having a moment to break down & cry. Letting it out before you let it back in to process it. & now I wonder, the people that stay angry...are you just afraid to be vulnerable for a moment? Or maybe you've been taught that hands are words & that's the only way you can express them. That's not what I was taught by the way, but when I slapped you it was the only thing that made sense to me at the time.