i have to wake up early tomorrow

It's finally raining. the way the weather has been makes me think that the world is going to end. as far as Im concerned the world ends when you die.
sometimes i stress myself out
to the point of reminding myself to not be so- that way. its all in your head. whats in my head? maybe a therapist should tell me. but i want to be able to tell myself. sometimes i think i rely too much on horoscopes and fortune cookies to tell me whats going on in my life because i can construct them into truths as I see fit. I think I contradict myself a lot. I'm so patient and impatient all at once. I want it NOW but I don't want to ask for it. I don't want to bother you but...god dammit I want to bother you. aggressively passive.
and you, you're so right here. you want to be there for me. you ask for me everyday. you tell me why. it makes me feel wonderful and awful all at once because i'm not even completely present for it. I'm being pulled in another direction. seeing my eyes in another's reflection. sometimes i think I just write garbage. garbage is a sharp word. its got some hard a's. i used to like to drink a lot of hard a. i still do but not to the obliterating point i used to. i used to do a lot of things differently. i do a lot of things the same way. what a transitional stage of life. now im just trying to think of things to say. how annoying.