Sunday, January 22, 2012

January

Sometimes I get so mad at you because we can be very similar. It's like I'm looking at mistakes I have made or potentially could make. Who am I to get upset with someone for not keeping in contact or making plans with me when I tend to fall off a social cliff every now and then. I see so many of my insecurities in you & vice versa. I guess it's natural to be drawn to people who fuck up in the same ways.
I think its good to have people who challenge you in your life. sometimes I feel this subtle competition amongst certain people; I like that it pushes me but other times I think of just slamming my door in frustration like I used to as a kid. I would actually even re-slam the door if I felt its slamming wasnt satisfactory. little brat.
It also makes me think back to 2009 when I met someone who I was so happy to call my own that I didn't see the other issues I would be calling mine too. Actually I think I did, but who really gives a fuck about potential issues when someone drives over 40 miles just to see you and be in your company (sex too). Was I really thinking about red (or white) flags when he just showed up at my apartment door? and for a long time it was just such a rush of affection and happiness to see each other that we never wanted to talk about anything unpleasant because we wanted to have fun. and we did! but buried issues just grow into weird roots, into trees that tower over you after having started so small. I am such a metaphor slut...
but seriously, I was in such a happy bubble at first that when I called up one of my oldest and dearest friends to talk about him I expected her to be inside the bubble with me. but after listening to me, (shes known me since I was 11- there has been a lot of listening) she flat out said "I'm glad youre happy, but I don't think he's the one for you." and at the time I thought "How dare she!" what a jerk. squashing my enthusiasm. but I think somewhere I knew you were right....that is to say, I was angry because you usually end up being right...and you made the same mistakes as me too. I refused to talk to you for awhile because you just kept dating the same asshole over and over- and I don't just mean that same guy, but that same type too. I realized when you said that to me that you were challenging me to find something (not necessarily someone) better. Thank you! I love you.
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