I used to have you in my phone
              as really immature names
like
        Fuckface
or 
        Dickhead
because what a great way 
to show that I'm still pissed off.
              How absolutely childish
to give you a name to make you unappealing,
to tarnish the quality of my experience with you
with mostly dick imagery.
But everytime I let you back in
              I felt a part of me was left out,
a compromise for what you couldn't give.
So yes,
              it's childish to have named you Penis Face
with capital letters and everything,
to show you I meant it as a serious name,
but it's because whenever  I saw your name
              I put too much emphasis on it
              I fell in love with the letters too
because they belonged to you,
an association.
             I fell in love with the promise
the fantasy of the future. 
This is how love rushes over me in such a way
            that I cant help but be swept away
                                    by the tides of my own feelings; 
             the water feels warm
& I'm tired of the day walking me around
             so I let the sensation
             of the two worlds first kiss 
                                    flow through the rivers 
                                         of my nerves.
                              I bend to your touch
& no matter how hard I try,
                & whatever you are called at the time,
          my walls become suggestions
& your laughter leaves me disarmed.

He pulls a rope you have wrapped around your mind,

        never really wanting to see where it all ends, 

                 why its all intertwined.

He keeps your ideas entertained. 

He feeds an attention you crave.

He keeps you close

       but feeling empty 

                 & wanting more. 

As long as he holds you

        there's no telling you 

 that those who deserve you 

        don't just pull,

             they unravel the rope;

strand by strand

        with the determination of time 

             until 

The dark parts of you 

        are defeated by the light you see in yourself. 

Sometimes I feel like

we were tortured lovers in a past life.

I hadn't hurt myself with the idea of you in awhile,

             then out of the depths of im not sure where;

     cosmic or subconscious,

I felt an unresolved pang for you
& maybe you knew that too. 

             I heard what I wanted
& had been waiting to hear.

You described me once as
the excitement & peace of riding a wave;

here I let it all rise & fall again & again,

though I guess we both know how it ends;

words hanging in the air,

              & you leaving them there,

words I exhaust

              because your silence weighs on my spine.

Now

We don't speak. 

We don't touch.

Ego puts on a suit and tie 

but crumbles inside. 

I feel a pull towards familiar.

I taste your words 

              before you slide inside. 

I feel you beside me one last time.

It's all in my head though

& I start to cry.

I leave the room just like you.

When I come back

I see that you've called.

Instead of pushing back buttons 

& changing my voice,

I mourn for this pain

& let this past life die. 

In a surreal way,
I remember talking about some very real things.
I remember looking at you from across the couch,
seeming like miles away,
but here all at once,
again.
You had been gone a long time
& I was just starting to end
lingering thoughts of you,
But your memory hit me 
like an unexpected sting
& then there you were,
on my couch,
Telling me you had been miles away
& you had felt that way
but you're here now
all at once,
again.

You want more. 
More
tattoos,
money,
respect,
sexual adventures.
You want more to
discover,
drink,
experience.
You want 
to be the star
but left alone.
You want
the bills to let you rest
& for the time to,
For your thoughts to escape you.
You want to go back to a photograph, 
To a boy unaware of his circumstances. 
You want to leave 
& pretend your baggage won't come too,
Although passively I'm the same way;
Avoiding my own intuition
& chasing you when you can't stay.

I think of you making pretty girls laugh
& maybe they get to see under your clothes.
Maybe your charm stretches from your tongue
& over their eyes
& vowels shake out of you both all night.
Maybe you love starting over;
the questions are exciting yet polite,
You're only knowing at a certain level,
& it's like you've never met yourself.

Jokes so people love me.               

Jokes so reality doesn't crush me. 

A corner of light 

to stretch across the room 

when the mood is dark.

Sometimes it's not appropriate;

heavy blankets pull over my head.

I anchor myself down.  

Though the thoughtful distance 

into deeper dark

is worth appreciating, 

The way up requires the right energy.

The energy to 

clear the hauntings of past lessons,

shake words that never went anywhere,

& to do this without bruising my own mind.

The energy to forgive myself

for my feelings,

So they may lift my sinking heart 

to higher thoughts.

I always had to word 
my conversations so carefully,
to find the right ones for your tastes.
I was exhausted before I even spoke.
Naturally you'd always look baffled by me
if I was upset,
when I didn't expect those answers
& I wanted to throw my questions away.

You unwillingly learn from me;

hurling yourself over the sides of my words

& I try to catch you. 

We pretend to read minds

& resentment adds to a pile

that we pick from when we're angry.

I remember you telling me: 

"You get too deep sometimes." 

But even then,
I'd rather too than not at all or a little.

          Even still,

I want to open up your chest
   & free all the lost laughs
              & good
you should've always known. 

I feel like I'm always waiting for you;
Staring at a clock,
a box,
a door,
Waiting for our story to begin again
the way it usually does;
Burning brightly & intensely,
Burning for strength, 
for warmth,
Excitement,
& reactions,
For a calming haze.
Waiting until it's too hot,
Waiting to watch the flames 
dance & bend
& with insatiable appetite,
consume all they touch.
Waiting to watch fire, 
exhausted by its own desires,
die in the ash
If given no room to breathe.

In the similar manner
          that I have to remind myself to breathe while eating,
I acknowledge that my attention can crave
   even more than I can take.
I remind myself to slow down
           with the people I let into my more than occassional thoughts.
& I ask why not try to transfer this pace 
            to other aspects of my life;
a career, 
saving money, 
buidling a talent,
building myself.
               I'm aware. 
But my energy speaks for me
   & the vessel of my body obeys.
I go where my mind takes me,
           I'm influenced by my own ways.
The past may provide suggestive signs
& I could follow them if it seems comfortable.
           I may wander until I'm tired
& disenchanted by my own chaos.
But I could find a moment of my own clarity & beauty
& peace of mind may find me. 

It's hard to see you cling to the idea of a man,

A steady dragging of ideals through a comfortable mud, 

Setting no boundaries except for testing your trivial limits;

How pissed off can I get about this unfinished laundry 

though it stems from larger problems? Etc.

I see suppressed passion for a world outside of his.

I see promises floating away from you,

& a warped sky that lets them pass through.

I see how easy it is for you to not see at all.

If I fall in love with another writer,
I might die in adjectives.
We might be too many Christmas lights.
We could write novels over minor details 
& already over analyze the future. 
We could fall like heavy shadows on the ground.
But. 
We might make music want to write for us.
We could be the stars spearing through the dark.
We could be sex made of sunshine & lightning.
We could curl up in each other's words 
& fall deeply 
for the way they're animated. 

.Laura Curren.









Tie me up with the 
curls of the smile that I have 
when I talk to you.

.Laura Curren. 

Passion is a fun friend of mine

     We can stay up late

     & touch each other 

     until we can't think or speak.

     We can escape into ideas,

     forget everything to remember each other.

     But I could never call you at 2 am 

     when my thoughts are strangled around 
     the strange concept of self esteem,

     energy fueled by trusting myself.

     I could never ask you to hold my hand when I'm nervous, 

     to calm me not with an orgasm,

     but with a voice that undresses my worries

     & allows me to see them for what they really are.

     I could never ask you

     to hold everything I carry,

     the aftermath. 

     I could fuck you until I'm hungry 

     but I could never ask you to stay for breakfast. 

       .Laura Curren.

In a surreal way,
I remember talking about some very real things.
I remember looking at you from across the couch,
seeming like miles away,
but here all at once,
again.
You had been gone a long time
& I was just starting to end
lingering thoughts of you...
But your memory hit me 
like an unexpected sting
& then there you were,
on my couch,
Telling me you had been miles away
& you had felt that way
but you're here now
all at once,
again.

"Don't run away from me again..."
I said to you in my laundry room
Because we were about to have some sex & fun
& we were on drugs
& the world was just right there;
In a little house,
Eyes and souls connecting,
We were something,
Intertwined timelines,
We were carried by our smiles and spirits.
We could feel it,
Really feel it-
But
Something in there
Removed a chair
& the music stopped.

talked to an ex of mine today and he said

You are the most open yet guarded person out there. It's like theres a nerve at a certain level of understanding that once touched has you raise your walls.

Some nights when my mind is not calm,

I can't cut off the tentacles of negativity

or make laughter ring from my lonely heart.

I feel the need for someone,

To be distracted from my thoughts,

But on some nights my thoughts need me,

& I let them have me,

Let them unfurl like smoke,

Like ferns,

Like tongues.

I let them curve into questions

& I don't always feel answers,

But I feel something,

Connected to my own interpreted universe,

My version of now,

& I think about everything that I perceive to be everything.

I just sit

& try to let my mind ride freely,

A moment away from the traffic of routine,

Away from the labels people are supposed to give me,

The clutter of what others have said to me,

The mindless letters & numbers,

& this sort of boring normalcy

That's only craved when your world is in chaos.

On these nights my escape is in my own head

& though I make no sound, I am not quiet.

My mind & heart operate me,

My love and curiosity animate me.

I thank my subconscious thoughts

for singing to people who understand,

Those in this life

Who have heard my heart beat,

Who have put their ear to my chest

& wanted to know what makes me alive.

You left so easily.

You kept a straight face

While I fell apart in the doorway.

I cast an invisible force field

That shook with my eyes and my words.

You didn't sound or look anything like this,

So anger took over me.

I threw your things,

Threw the last of you I could hold.

The words balled up in me

& I threw them against your back.

I shoved you as hard as I could think of

& you fell over

& told me I was fuckin' nuts

As you had a right to do...

Because I had to be as explosive 

As when we first came together!

However way you wanna read that.

But even if they were throwing things-

My arms were still open. 

I remembered you randomly today,

& thought about that one date.

You took me to a low-lit, 

cool-cocktail-named,

nothing less than $15 place

& talked about mixology

& I didn't care.

I thought it was cool that you had a tattoo

but also thought it was kind of a shitty tattoo.

You smoked 10, 000 cigarettes

& I felt mildly poisoned.

I always thought you were cute in highschool

& told you that years later on facebook.

I was caught in your social web

& decided to add another dimension

& meet in person.

So we did & we went to a few bars.

In the middle of one of them

you said: "Kiss me right now."

So I did

& we were a movie in the middle of mediocrity 

for just a memory of a moment.

Even a girl came up & said: "Y'all cant be kissing like that in front of all of us single people!"

But I started laughing and told her it was our first kiss

& she said "Damn! Really?!"

Because I knew, 

& I guess everyone else knew, that looked good.

So we give that kiss room to escalate,

We go back to your place.

I know it's fast but there I am,

looking at your tv show collection naked

& judging your choices

Game of Thrones, not bad,

back to pretend sleeping in this new environment.

Then there's some romantic morning boner

& you walk me out

& call me dude

& give me a poor excuse for a hug 

while my wincing face is on the other side of your shoulder.

I laugh and shake it off as soon as my car key turns

& only think of you 

when you come up as a dumb anecdote.

My love feels like a little kite in my chest-
& maybe that makes you laugh when I say that,
But maybe that makes you want a turn too.
So I let you try.
I add a challenge before I do.
I add some weight for you;
Ribbons to ropes in a future scope.
But this little kite is riding any up it can take,
Battling sudden turns & pride
To learn that beautiful views are not easy.
Sometimes there will be gravity
& boring reality.
Sometimes you'll prefer movement,
Even if violent,
Just to be high again.
Sometimes if you're really lucky
You can escape all branches rooted in fear,
& feel like you were made for this.

You made me laugh

So I fell in love with you,

But with the sick part of passion,

You made me cry too.

You made my feelings each day,

Punctuated my sentences,

& held me at night.

I was lost in this.

I told you I lose my focus.

I fall from my own thoughts.

I get deeper than I thought.

I tell you sincerely, 

I hope you find your home.

& I ask why my desire hurts me.