I want to center you
with my energy.
I want to take all the reasons
you're attracted to me
& melt them into keys
for parts you've denied yourself
but found in me.

You tell me that you've made your life so different,
that you moved away from a place that visits.
You left the island.
You left a time
& what haunts you.
You harp on those who didn't leave
yet you carry it with you.

I start to get in a routine.
I leave clingy times behind.
I'm comfortable waking up with only 
my expressions & thoughts. 
I invite my focus to face myself. 
I sweat beside hillsides on my own. 
I'm with the breeze & the trees & my capable knees
breathing deeply. Quietly. 
There's no one meeting me. 
I crave touch not to soothe or rule me;
but because I'm human. 
It's alright if my laundry is unfolded 
or my legs aren't shaved. 
It's okay if I don't have energy today. 
I don't worry about the interpretation of events. 
I don't worry about the present 
shifting to past tense. 
My heart is only speaking to me. Happy & alone. 
Then you come along 
& I want to fuck this all up.

It was the summer after the first year of college,
everyone was back home.
I was feeling sexier & bolder than before.
I had a party while my parents were out of town.
You were there.
I always liked you.
I always wanted to know you more than classes.
You were smart but played it down to be cool.
You talked to me online because I was too shy in person,
but I saw you in my own hallway.
You asked me where the bathroom was
so I pulled you by the shirt
& said: "it's right here" & pushed you into my brother's old room
(sorry Matt) where we began ferociously making out.
All of my shyness unbuttoned,
all the old thoughts of you erupted from my mouth & hands,
fucking finally!
Now I wonder what you're doing
how you are
& how badly you had to go the bathroom.

I know there are problems,
issues we haven't discussed,
it's not easy,
we don't talk like we should.
but I know we fall asleep holding each other.
I know we wake up fitting just right.
Your hand is in my hair
with all the tangles
of last nights angles,
& you're still holding me.
You're still wrapped around all my parts
& mind.
You're still snoring by my ear,
& even though your lungs & mouth
won't let me sleep at all,
even if you put a band of chainsaws to shame,
I find it endearing.
I find you near me
is something that finds me,
& shakes awake something inside
I forgot was there.

I saw your number appear & vibrate under glass

because I have no name for someone who always left

but I know that area code & I froze 

holding a sequence of digits I happen to know

& mine you probably don't, 

it was a string of numbers I held & let go.

My heart beat was as rapid as signals from space 

delivering words from the thoughts in your brain.

I wanted to know how you are, what you might say

but I remember the last time you called I almost cried,

my feelings leaked out from the inside.

I couldn't paint a picture as nicely as you did,
as if there wasn't any dust between us.

I was scared I still wanted you 

so my words caught in my throat for a minute 

& it felt shitty & genuine to tell you I wasn't great.

It was hard to leave you & feel I had to.

In those seconds I wondered if I should again,
if I should answer

but I knew & maybe always did. 

Watch me in my element 

with my eyes pointed away 

not noticing you, just as you intend

because I could run from 

the look you give me. 

Capture me with your timing, 

aim your intentions at me,

& suddenly I'm mounted as a trophy; 

eyes caught in a moment over & over, 

never moving or climbing off & away. 

Or see me as I'm meant to be, 

appreciate my fleeting beauty, 

more beautiful because 

you don't see it like me. 

& in that moment you don't 

steal the air out of my lungs in pursuit, 

you just let me exist. 

& then I look at you. 

I'm getting older;
lines on my skin are fossils 
of moments I've lived 

My attention, my energy was depleting 
so I reached for anything, something. yours. 
I closed my eyes to the dark so I could 
shut it out & control it first by doing it myself.  
I pulled you over my head like a sweater that waits 
for this time of year. 
It felt good to be wrapped up rather than unraveled. 
I for once was feeling the warmth around me 
instead of hugging other shoulders. 
But warm is heavy when you're not ready. 
I wondered when this was all going to rip apart. 
I wondered when you would find prettier skin to fit 
around. So I lifted you over my head. You held me 
& watched me shed. 
I peeled you away until I showed you how cold 
I could be. I told you I felt trapped & the wind 
made me feel alive. I wasn't done with the pain; 
shivering from something that's been taken. 
I wasn't done with falling to the floor,
crying for fire that's not there anymore. 
I wanted to feel that sharp sting on my cheeks 
from air almost too cold to breathe...
to feel truly weak. I became what exhausted me. 
I wasn't done breaking my own heart. 

.Laura Curren.

I see in you now the resistance I had towards other people. I gave so many chances. I let so many people harness my electricity & live with the light inside me. I let them shine in my eyes at my own expense & wondered why I felt drained. My attention, my energy was stretched out so I reached for anything, something. yours. I closed my eyes to any dark feelings so I could hide them from myself. If my eyes were closed then at least I decided first that there could be darkness, at least that's some control. I pulled you over my head like a sweater that waits for this time of year. It felt good to be wrapped up rather than unraveled. I for once was feeling the warmth around me instead of hugging other shoulders. But warm is heavy when you're not ready. I wondered when this was all going to rip apart. I wondered when you would find prettier skin to fit around. So I lifted you over my head. You held me and watched me shed. I peeled you away until I showed you how cold I could be. I told you I felt trapped & the wind makes me feel alive. I wasn't done with the pain. Shivering from something that's been taken. I wasn't done with falling to the floor crying for fire that's not there anymore. I wanted to feel that sharp sting on my cheeks from air almost too cold to breathe...to feel truly weak. I became what exhausted me. I wasn't done breaking my own heart. 

I thought I would tear the paint off your walls;
it was a burnt sienna type of orange,
adult orange
& we were doing adult things.
I'm about to unpeel my legs out of my stockings
but you stop me with your hands
you stop me with your tongue
leave them on you say,
you tell me.
You dip me onto your sheets,
your lips melt down my hips
& that painful crawl of your tongue
finally reaches where I want it to be,
where I've been waiting
so I can
ride your melody
& I'll let you take me
but you dont, not yet,
you wait
until I object
until my desires
are screaming to the ceiling.

I liked you for the conversation
I liked you because I was sad & drunk
because you were handsome & tall
& you took my mind off
another pair of eyes
that haunted me.
Every song I listened to was tied to him.
So when you laughed at my jokes
& told me you liked talking to me,
that I was sweet,
I gave in
to forget the last person who touched me like this.

I was your server because I rushed over
to stop you from going to the bar.
"I can help you,"
I said like a casual Sunday afternoon
because it was & I was late
but I stopped you from a mistake
to make my own.
& you turned around & looked down
& pulled me in & out of myself as quick as
it took you to smile when you saw me.
I laughed out of uncertainty because
that's all I knew how to do at the moment.
You sold me with your expressive eyes
looking sad & bright at the same time;
like you could have fun but you have a lot of work to do
like you could undress & fuck my fantasies

& break my heart.




sunday august 3rd

"You know, there's this picture of your father
in the background at a party
& he has that long, looking face that he gets....
that looking off in the distance face...but I know
he's looking at me in this picture.
I know, because I was there & I remember that look."
& I see it too, 
eyes searching through time,
rising over the heads of party guests,
searching for my mother- 
searching, asking for her;
the precious moment before
the light in her eyes wrapped around his.

.Laura Curren.

I happen to like a stormy day.
I feel as though
my thoughts collect into the clouds.
They swell & shift & almost burst.
They scatter & alert me of change;
a sudden realization 
like a drop of rain upon your face,
"Oh." you say to yourself.

I had so much anxiety driving
that I avoided highways.
I was tutoring kids after school
& taking back roads from my high school.
My boss looked at me like I was fucking crazy
when I said I was late because of a detour.
My heart would start pounding
while concrete escaped too fast beneath me.
All possible outcomes would crush me.
GPS wasn't there to steer my sweaty hands.
I made CDs to help drown out my nerves.
I calmed myself down at sharp turns.
but once I knew the route well it was okay.
Like to my best friends house
where she was having a party.
I found out you were back in town
& might be there. I saw you walk in the door
& had to consciously wrestle my smile
from taking over my entire face. but you smiled too.
You asked if we could hang out.
You lived 3 hours away.
but soon you drove those hours to me frequently.
&without much thought suddenly a new fear
became more important to me,
the fear of not seeing this through...
& it was amazing to me that I could
shake the snakes out of my head
for the softer parts of my heart.
For passion & affection, for seeing in your eyes
a part of my life open for me.
When I was speeding down those highways
I knew I was falling in love.

Everything is obnoxious 
when your troubles are illuminated
when your world decides to leave its' normal place.
Reality is an absurd advertisement you endure
& you are subconsciously 
thanking the time before all this started.
You're looking for a dark pit to fall into 
& a rope to climb out of it.