Tuesday, September 13, 2016
I see in you now the resistance I had towards other people. I gave so many chances. I let so many people harness my electricity & live with the light inside me. I let them shine in my eyes at my own expense & wondered why I felt drained. My attention, my energy was stretched out so I reached for anything, something. yours. I closed my eyes to any dark feelings so I could hide them from myself. If my eyes were closed then at least I decided first that there could be darkness, at least that's some control. I pulled you over my head like a sweater that waits for this time of year. It felt good to be wrapped up rather than unraveled. I for once was feeling the warmth around me instead of hugging other shoulders. But warm is heavy when you're not ready. I wondered when this was all going to rip apart. I wondered when you would find prettier skin to fit around. So I lifted you over my head. You held me and watched me shed. I peeled you away until I showed you how cold I could be. I told you I felt trapped & the wind makes me feel alive. I wasn't done with the pain. Shivering from something that's been taken. I wasn't done with falling to the floor crying for fire that's not there anymore. I wanted to feel that sharp sting on my cheeks from air almost too cold to breathe...to feel truly weak. I became what exhausted me. I wasn't done breaking my own heart.