We had been fucking around, no other way to say that really. It's funny because when I met you I wasn't attracted to you at all. In fact I feel as though I just completely scanned over you & then my eyes moved on to something(one) else. Over time though, your laugh & touch began to mean something more to me. I just wanted to be around you. We had a good time together. We laughed a lot, had a keen eye for art (yours was much keener since it was what you were going to school for), you made me want to read & write more, & I admired you. You had everything together, you had plans. I felt like a distraction in all this and I guess I was, because one night you walked me home from a party where I had too many beers and I wouldn't let you leave my room until you kissed me. Well, not really....we both just kissed each other. I almost wanted it to be a bad kiss because I knew you were "unavailable." You didn't have a girlfriend, but you happened to be very responsible and busy (I was not) & you were the roommate of a friend who was deeply invested in making me his girlfriend (I was not). But it wasn't a bad kiss. It was an alarmingly good kiss actually. I felt it, really felt it- like when you pause the passion & look at each other knowing it's not always that you meet such similar moves as yours. There was a pulling of desire, touch and taste grabbing at each other and from the inside, deep & exploring. It was a most wonderful interruption of thoughts. So of course I was smitten, of course I wanted more. I thought about you & I a lot, but you only remembered there was a you & and I when we kissed. You would walk me home and I would pull you in, and further and further in, but then you would have to leave and I would have to watch you leave. I was already lonely at the time so I just made it harder on myself by allowing this to happen. I didn't think about how I was doing the same thing to someone else (room mate friend). Although we would slide together with such natural ease, it began to wear thin. I wanted more. So one night when you walked me home & it seemed as though you would not be coming inside the door you asked me, "What do you want Laura?"
and I very vulnerably said, "I want you."
You sighed & said you had to focus on school, you were very busy..."I just don't wan't a relationship right now."
       "No, you just don't want a relationship with me."
and you looked at me with one of those painfully sympathetic half smiles that people have because they're not quite sure how to make an "I just disappointed you face," and I knew I was right.
The next month you were with someone else, someone you would be with for a long time. Whenever I hear a girl start to tell me her love interest is being aloof or saying one thing & translating it from the hopeful perspective of her ego, I share this story, because I, girls, people, don't need an aloof relationship. Maybe for awhile it's fun, but arms you know that are going to ultimately wrap around you at the end of the day are the arms I want to be in. Not arms that do this just when we have sex, or maybe every other week, or whenever his school/work schedule is flexible enough. The right person will make you change your mind. If you feel it, you want it, you'll just do it, you'll make it work. You'll call, you'll kiss and you'll stay afterwards. You'll find a way. Now I just have to follow my own advice.

I wrote those last two entries when I was drunk. Go me!

Why? Why have emotions? animals have a perfectly good system. They work together, they follow a cycle. Sustainable. What are the purpose of emotions? They make us feel, think...but why? Why have literature? Why feel empathetic? for us. for the universe?

Those fragile moments I have to myself
I feel a pang
I feel open to the universe
I feel in a moment
with myself
I translate feelings into thoughts
and I am caught
in my own creations
I am lost in what I think and what I thought
I am feeling everything at once
I let my emotions speak
and they leak
onto my cheeks
they pull at the air
for something there
of what I'm not sure
but they ask and they reach
for
something
I'm looking
looking.
maybe one day found will slap me in the face
it could already be here !
but I'm just oblivious to what I choose to be so towards

Aurora, Colorado

He dressed like a character from the movie- bulging with weapons and a gas mask over his face. Probably seemed normal amongst others parading in their costumes. Probably seemed normal before that too. One of my coworkers said, "I just don't get it. He was so smart. Why would someone who had so much going for them do that?" I'm sure it was an isolating intelligence. He was studying behavior and created a study of himself. He shaped himself into a question mark. Why? Why would someone do this? "I am the joker" he said. Crazed, intelligent, possessed, misunderstood, working alone. A boy recalled being on a sports team with him, but that's all he recalled. He didn't say he had a menacing presence or quirky habits, just he was on the team, a loner, kept to himself. No facebook, no emerging ex girlfriends or friends, no trace left behind personally or technologically. When his mother was spoken to she was not in disbelief, she said, "You have the right person." Something at the seed of her thoughts always knew the chemicals reacting in his brain were not making elements of sense. Suppose it made sense to him, sense that most everyone does not interpret. A mind like that could be tortured or could have been looking to torture to brandish any kind of feeling that was lacking for so long. A building disgust for other people or maybe not feeling any connection to them at all or both exploded into a massacre.  There's a debate over the death penalty. Maybe he wants that? When a boy from his sports team couldn't tell you anything about him before, now he is known by all. 

"Are you with someone you feel safe with?" she asked me
"Yeah."
"Yeah, or Yes?"
"Yes."
"Okay, good."
I was sitting in a chair at planned parenthood looking at an impressive jar full of condoms and feeling surprisingly calm for my anxious 15 year old self. I was with somebody I felt safe with.
I told you at the beginning that I wanted to be in love before I had sex. You respected this, you didn't try and rush love. You weren't like those terrible Lifetime movies where the guy says "Come on baby, I love you." or "I'll only put it in for a minute"- I can actually hear my mom chiming in over those words saying to me as a younger girl, "Don't believe him if he ever says that!" and not really knowing what she meant. It's true, my shyness was more than frustrating some times. I wouldn't let you see my boobs for a really long time not because I didn't want to but I was very insecure. One day though, I really did start to feel safe. Here's my boobs! You can see them now. We talked everyday, you picked me up from school, took me to work, shared the weekend with me. I knew inside something was changing, that when I felt you next to me it wasn't just sexual urges but protective and caring urges. I wanted to be there for you through it all. So I told you one day,

"I think I'm ready."
"But I thought you said you had to be in love to be ready?"
"Yeah..ummm..."
"Wait, wait, what're you trying to say?" (I knew you knew already, you were just trying to get me to say it).
"Ummmm...."

The conversation would go on like this in different variations of the same words for awhile until I finally just blurted it out

"Ummmmm....I think I LOVE YOU!"

you caught your breath, I caught my breath. I felt sparks in my skin and we were quiet for a moment but could feel it between us.

I wanted to make you feel as good physically as I did mentally. You were my first, I was your first. We fell in love, we shared a part of our youth.

Write your goals down on paper (online)

Before this month ends I will:

Get my Cicerone certification.
Make this apartment feel even more spacious and like home.
Get my mom a great birthday present.
Sell at least $1,000 in one day/ or night at work.
Become a better server.
Better my attitude.
Make Tali something and...tell her how much she means to me.
Find more time to work out.
Make at least 3 new recipes.
Do something nice for my brother.
Write in my blog at least four more times.


Before this year ends I will:

Have something published.
Figure out if I'm going back to school.
Learn to let go of worry a little more.
Love more openly.
Finish a piece of artwork.
Write more poems than I did last year.
Be proud of who I'm becoming.
Be better about communicating with the ones I love.
Be on top of my bills and finances.
Be more responsible.

I should be, but I dont want to be

alone

I want so badly to provide love and affection and endless ease for you
but I dont even know what I want in return
not even just from you, but from life, my choices
im not sure which inner voice I should let be the loudest
there are some ugly ones that I would like to keep from being let out in public or on a date with anyone else
there are some that could be right or could be telling me what I want to hear
there are some that just say relax, all in good time you will find answers
but how can I relax
when another voice says life is short

meat

This is my remote pocket of the internet universe. I can talk about whatever random thoughts ive had/been having. I was sitting and talking to amy about animals. "I think animals do have emotions like humans but maybe they're just more raw. Elephants mourn their dead. Certain animals seem to be smarter than others, like dolphins and pigs. What if what we interpret to be a wild and aggressive reaction from an animal is actually an animal knowing that humans are wasteful and might even kill them and eat them given the opportunity. or what we interpret to be the opposite reaction of this violence- to cooperate with humans & to be docile as a means to negotiate with humans out of fear like the masses with a tyrant. cats domesticated themselves. maybe thats why the eygptians worshipped them-they seem pretty smart in that way. they receive affection and food from humans while roaming and sleeping where they please as our pets so we don't kill them. maybe animals that flee from us are just more aware that people can be cruel. cows always seem so spooked by us. we eat them with fries & a coke here. cows are holy in india...are they spooked there? dogs can be devastated by violent pasts-they will attack people for what seems to be no reason at all because they have been so scarred before. just like a person with a violent upbringing can become violent themselves.
penguins are monogamous & I wouldn't even consider humans monogamous. we have a lot to learn from penguins. even two male penguins select a rock and take care of it as if it were an egg. they adopt a rock and make it a part of their family.
it's easy to say animals arent as evolved because we see them participate in what we call savage behavior but maybe we also say that because we eat and abuse them & it doesnt seem to make us feel as guilty if we deem them to be subordinate.
its true, ive never seen a dog write a symphony
but sometimes a dog can have more compassion than a person can
an insect can create a more sustainable universe than we can
a tiger can snap after being subjected to years of humiliating performance tricks because maybe inside the beast knows what is being done to it is not right. it can be trained as a slave of entertainment, and some remain trained, but others know that they were meant for sunlight and not spotlight.
& to creatures of the sea we are aliens. we put on a special suit so we can breathe in their atmosphere and then we either admire them or abduct them and study them or eat them or keep them as pets to display. aquariums. earthriums with humanriums exhibits.
there's nobility in a lion pouncing on an antelope or a cat capturing a mouse, someone using their polished skills and tools to hunt their dinner, rather than when I stand in the frozen meat section and pick out a cold slab of whatever I please to cook later based on price and fat content.
I say all this and let my thoughts tumble out and ramble for awhile, but you know I had a cheeseburger yesterday.

It's interesting how as people have evolved....their problems have too. People can create their own problems based on where they live & what they perceive to be accepted around them. There are no eating disorders in third world countries. How do you explain anorexia to a person who is starving not by choice? How do you tell a woman who is forced to be subordinate that there are women who actually choose to be that way?

I was looking down at a hang nail I had on my pinky finger, a nasty one. I had it for awhile and it would snag on whatever it brushed against. I was picking at it when I was sitting down and talking to you & you told me she looked through my phone when I left it at her house. What did she read? What does she know now? It made me feel awful in many different ways. It made me feel sick. I can only imagine her feelings. I looked down at my pinky and noticed I had completely ripped off the hangnail and it was replaced with a small pool of blood. Ouch. Fuck. but over with I guess.

a less beautiful way to put that:

Sometimes I have so much love that I'm just a giant pussy about sharing it for fear that it won't be accepted.

You summarized all of my issues so beautifully, I had to share it

I sense so much conflicted energy coming from you....It's hard to know what to address. Look Laura I know you. You were my best friend, but I don't know if I've ever referred to you as such...And as long as i've known you, you have been searching. For something. For someone. For yourself. And for a dream that I believe you are still searching for. Laura athough you are an immensly complex and beautiful individual, I see yourself constantly holding back from what you truly desire. As simple as that sounds, I would venture to say that you are afraid to let yourself be happy, and until you truly see all of the possibilities the world has just waiting for you to explore, you will stay stuck in the prison of your mind and the confines of your fragile heart. Oh Laura, I do still love you, and always will. But until you can truly understand what that kind of love is, I will wait here in the recesses of your memories and await the day when you truly awaken, open your eyes, and greet the world with an open and hopeful and confident smile. I know things will move for you eventually, if you decide to truly explore outside of your comfort zone. Laura there is a whole wide world waiting for you. Waiting for you to emerge from the shell you've been making a home in. I dare you to try something different! You might like what you find. And Laura, I know that somewhere in those words you so eloquently put on paper, well, not paper, but a hard drive and a screen, there is a dream. Could be tiny, could be as big as the world, I'm not really sure....And this dream of yours is so wonderful you feel like it's impossible. So you make it impossible. And that right there is what's stopping you from living it. You make your life what it is. Every decision you make affects the life you live. And the energy you put into the universe is what you get back. And Laura, you can live that dream! Just ask me how...I promise there is a way! And I promise if you think a little bit outside the box, let your true friends in, and allow yourself to love who you ARE and not who you think you want or should be, then you may just be surprised at how much you smile and truly smile. Let go of the guilt. The pain. The image. And the ego. Find yourself. The you that I know is in there. And I think your tragic beauty will blossom into a bouquet of the most exquisite flowers you and I have never even seen before! Look Laura...if you want me in your life, I'm here. Just ask. If not, then don't. It's as simple as that. Same with everything else. Make your life what you want it to be. Take some responsibility.

I guess I knew it would come to this. It's not the reason why I didn't think we would be friends though.   So much changed over the past 4 years. Has it been 4 years? It's been much longer than that really if I think about it though. I remember seeing you in elementary school. You had really short hair and braces and I thought you made it look cool. You wore a big digital watch and you were in "the smart people class." We had some of the same friends but never the same classes. I thought you were beautiful. I always saw you around but then we went to different middle schools. I still heard about you though- the boy every girl wanted to tame and say was their boyfriend liked you. I saw you at a friend's bat mitzvah in 7th grade. You wore a really short skirt and clear platform heels. You looked awesomely out of place. I thought you were the shit. You looked hot- the kinda hot girls whisper and act all catty about but on the inside they're thinking "damn I wish I looked like that or was brave enough to rock that look." Then I didn't see you for awhile again, until 9th grade world history class. You were a corrupted cheerleader. You seemed dangerously fun, but also very smart. I remembered the clear heels. We started talking and it made class easier. I told you I had never kissed a boy yet. "Oh my god we've got to get you on that!" you said. Then you genuinely seemed to be devising a way for me to do this. You even wrote it in my yearbook, but at that point I had already done more than kissing (2nd base) but I wasn't able to tell you because the teacher had made new seating arrangements. I always thought you were cool. I wanted to be like you. Smart and beautiful and fun all compacted into this little body. You always had boyfriends, people talking about you, a smile on your face. I wanted to make you laugh, and I did. Then there was a pause again-college. but we seemed to have a pattern so I saw you again a couple years later. We were at a mutual friends birthday party. We both dated him and he seemed to invite every girl he ever dated which not surprisingly turned into a disaster. You and I just sat back and watched it unfold. There was something very natural about the way we sat together. You understood me and I wanted to know you. So we officially became friends that night. I wrote on your facebook the next day saying hey we should hang out sometime and left my number for you. I did want to hang out but I was thinking it was just gonna be one of those things where you say you'll hang out but it never happens and then you see each other again and say it again and the same thing happens over and over, but nope, you called me almost immediately after I posted it. I was shocked and almost didn't answer at first because something about the phone always intimidates me. but I answered and we did hang out that night. A little awkward at first but then natural and then hanging out all the time. I missed you when you were gone. I wanted to tell you everything. I still wanted to be like you. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin for so long-I still am it just lessens every year, but you just seemed so comfortable with yourself. I don't have any better way to put it and I should since people who write are supposed to, but you were just so fucking cool! I'm tired and I don't want to write anymore right now and maybe that's just me in a nutshell right there and that's why I let our friendship crumble. There's a number of things but sometimes I just feel like I cause so much chaos in the lives of those I care the most about that's it's better that I just stay out of them. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm surprised we've even been friends this long. You asked me why I push away the people who love me the most and something inside of me wanted to defend myself but then couldn't because it's true. I've always grown up with an ample amount of love and support but I feel like I have this innate nature to destroy. I'm sorry things aren't how I thought they'd be. I saw you as my bridesmaid. I wanted to live with you at one point. I used to come over almost every day. I miss the past but I don't want to cause you any more grief in the present or future. I love you and always will.

I still like to read missed connections. Today I read this one. Not really a missed connection, but a missed chance I guess. If only people were this heartfelt and honest with each other upfront.

Towards the end I could see a change in your demeanor. My mood swings and depressive ways where wearing you out. Hell they where wearing us out. You're a tough girl, the toughest I know. I did get the feeling you might have been willing to let us go and I don't begrudge you for that. You're also a smart girl and your heart is always the priority. You should get a medal for putting up with me for as long as you did. I know you loved me though and still do. I realized how unfair it was to keep us both in this tiring relationship. We aren't getting any younger and you should have the opportunity to find another while still in your youth. It would be selfish for me to hold on for the sake of love. Love is a gradient as we know and it's no excuse for retainment or confinement. I never felt confined with you. Im realizing my propensity to wear others down. I'm a horrible friend. I find a way to alienate others to keep myself at a safe distance. Im a decent mate when I'm not depressed and wandering in to the what it's of life. Looking at others while holding your hand is natural yet shameful. I tried hard. I really did. The difference now is I'm old enough to know from past experience when the slope is edging downward. And that downward may just be my downward. I know you would have gone anywhere with me even down but I cant allow that. Who's to know what may have been? Maybe we could have married and been a family and worked hard to make it work. I have my life to wonder. I guess it really doesn't matter but I hope you don't despise me. I really do love you. I was never trying to play you. If you think I was, I'm sorry. I still do love you. Scared Little Boy

I find a way to alienate others to keep myself at a safe distance. I feel you on that one random guy. I hope you find a way to leave that behind. I hope I do too.

The beauty of writing this
is that each time it's read,
I'll be looking back on it differently.
I'll be reading it
with more experienced eyes.
The chaos that seems fresh
will have had spread its ashes elsewhere.
I've been touching the heat of my 20's
to how else- find out,
what burns me,
what will fondly be faded.
All the pain will be but a mark.
Re-mark-able memory-
remember me,
at this time.