Tuesday, July 17, 2012

"Are you with someone you feel safe with?" she asked me
"Yeah."
"Yeah, or Yes?"
"Yes."
"Okay, good."
I was sitting in a chair at planned parenthood looking at an impressive jar full of condoms and feeling surprisingly calm for my anxious 15 year old self. I was with somebody I felt safe with.
I told you at the beginning that I wanted to be in love before I had sex. You respected this, you didn't try and rush love. You weren't like those terrible Lifetime movies where the guy says "Come on baby, I love you." or "I'll only put it in for a minute"- I can actually hear my mom chiming in over those words saying to me as a younger girl, "Don't believe him if he ever says that!" and not really knowing what she meant. It's true, my shyness was more than frustrating some times. I wouldn't let you see my boobs for a really long time not because I didn't want to but I was very insecure. One day though, I really did start to feel safe. Here's my boobs! You can see them now. We talked everyday, you picked me up from school, took me to work, shared the weekend with me. I knew inside something was changing, that when I felt you next to me it wasn't just sexual urges but protective and caring urges. I wanted to be there for you through it all. So I told you one day,

"I think I'm ready."
"But I thought you said you had to be in love to be ready?"
"Yeah..ummm..."
"Wait, wait, what're you trying to say?" (I knew you knew already, you were just trying to get me to say it).
"Ummmm...."

The conversation would go on like this in different variations of the same words for awhile until I finally just blurted it out

"Ummmmm....I think I LOVE YOU!"

you caught your breath, I caught my breath. I felt sparks in my skin and we were quiet for a moment but could feel it between us.

I wanted to make you feel as good physically as I did mentally. You were my first, I was your first. We fell in love, we shared a part of our youth.
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