Tuesday, July 31, 2012

We had been fucking around, no other way to say that really. It's funny because when I met you I wasn't attracted to you at all. In fact I feel as though I just completely scanned over you & then my eyes moved on to something(one) else. Over time though, your laugh & touch began to mean something more to me. I just wanted to be around you. We had a good time together. We laughed a lot, had a keen eye for art (yours was much keener since it was what you were going to school for), you made me want to read & write more, & I admired you. You had everything together, you had plans. I felt like a distraction in all this and I guess I was, because one night you walked me home from a party where I had too many beers and I wouldn't let you leave my room until you kissed me. Well, not really....we both just kissed each other. I almost wanted it to be a bad kiss because I knew you were "unavailable." You didn't have a girlfriend, but you happened to be very responsible and busy (I was not) & you were the roommate of a friend who was deeply invested in making me his girlfriend (I was not). But it wasn't a bad kiss. It was an alarmingly good kiss actually. I felt it, really felt it- like when you pause the passion & look at each other knowing it's not always that you meet such similar moves as yours. There was a pulling of desire, touch and taste grabbing at each other and from the inside, deep & exploring. It was a most wonderful interruption of thoughts. So of course I was smitten, of course I wanted more. I thought about you & I a lot, but you only remembered there was a you & and I when we kissed. You would walk me home and I would pull you in, and further and further in, but then you would have to leave and I would have to watch you leave. I was already lonely at the time so I just made it harder on myself by allowing this to happen. I didn't think about how I was doing the same thing to someone else (room mate friend). Although we would slide together with such natural ease, it began to wear thin. I wanted more. So one night when you walked me home & it seemed as though you would not be coming inside the door you asked me, "What do you want Laura?"
and I very vulnerably said, "I want you."
You sighed & said you had to focus on school, you were very busy..."I just don't wan't a relationship right now."
       "No, you just don't want a relationship with me."
and you looked at me with one of those painfully sympathetic half smiles that people have because they're not quite sure how to make an "I just disappointed you face," and I knew I was right.
The next month you were with someone else, someone you would be with for a long time. Whenever I hear a girl start to tell me her love interest is being aloof or saying one thing & translating it from the hopeful perspective of her ego, I share this story, because I, girls, people, don't need an aloof relationship. Maybe for awhile it's fun, but arms you know that are going to ultimately wrap around you at the end of the day are the arms I want to be in. Not arms that do this just when we have sex, or maybe every other week, or whenever his school/work schedule is flexible enough. The right person will make you change your mind. If you feel it, you want it, you'll just do it, you'll make it work. You'll call, you'll kiss and you'll stay afterwards. You'll find a way. Now I just have to follow my own advice.
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