Saturday, July 14, 2012

I guess I knew it would come to this. It's not the reason why I didn't think we would be friends though.   So much changed over the past 4 years. Has it been 4 years? It's been much longer than that really if I think about it though. I remember seeing you in elementary school. You had really short hair and braces and I thought you made it look cool. You wore a big digital watch and you were in "the smart people class." We had some of the same friends but never the same classes. I thought you were beautiful. I always saw you around but then we went to different middle schools. I still heard about you though- the boy every girl wanted to tame and say was their boyfriend liked you. I saw you at a friend's bat mitzvah in 7th grade. You wore a really short skirt and clear platform heels. You looked awesomely out of place. I thought you were the shit. You looked hot- the kinda hot girls whisper and act all catty about but on the inside they're thinking "damn I wish I looked like that or was brave enough to rock that look." Then I didn't see you for awhile again, until 9th grade world history class. You were a corrupted cheerleader. You seemed dangerously fun, but also very smart. I remembered the clear heels. We started talking and it made class easier. I told you I had never kissed a boy yet. "Oh my god we've got to get you on that!" you said. Then you genuinely seemed to be devising a way for me to do this. You even wrote it in my yearbook, but at that point I had already done more than kissing (2nd base) but I wasn't able to tell you because the teacher had made new seating arrangements. I always thought you were cool. I wanted to be like you. Smart and beautiful and fun all compacted into this little body. You always had boyfriends, people talking about you, a smile on your face. I wanted to make you laugh, and I did. Then there was a pause again-college. but we seemed to have a pattern so I saw you again a couple years later. We were at a mutual friends birthday party. We both dated him and he seemed to invite every girl he ever dated which not surprisingly turned into a disaster. You and I just sat back and watched it unfold. There was something very natural about the way we sat together. You understood me and I wanted to know you. So we officially became friends that night. I wrote on your facebook the next day saying hey we should hang out sometime and left my number for you. I did want to hang out but I was thinking it was just gonna be one of those things where you say you'll hang out but it never happens and then you see each other again and say it again and the same thing happens over and over, but nope, you called me almost immediately after I posted it. I was shocked and almost didn't answer at first because something about the phone always intimidates me. but I answered and we did hang out that night. A little awkward at first but then natural and then hanging out all the time. I missed you when you were gone. I wanted to tell you everything. I still wanted to be like you. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin for so long-I still am it just lessens every year, but you just seemed so comfortable with yourself. I don't have any better way to put it and I should since people who write are supposed to, but you were just so fucking cool! I'm tired and I don't want to write anymore right now and maybe that's just me in a nutshell right there and that's why I let our friendship crumble. There's a number of things but sometimes I just feel like I cause so much chaos in the lives of those I care the most about that's it's better that I just stay out of them. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm surprised we've even been friends this long. You asked me why I push away the people who love me the most and something inside of me wanted to defend myself but then couldn't because it's true. I've always grown up with an ample amount of love and support but I feel like I have this innate nature to destroy. I'm sorry things aren't how I thought they'd be. I saw you as my bridesmaid. I wanted to live with you at one point. I used to come over almost every day. I miss the past but I don't want to cause you any more grief in the present or future. I love you and always will.
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