What I choose to tell you from the archives of my mind
Reflects where you are in my heart.
If it's right then you'll know more of me than maybe myself.
You'll let me tell you the same memories again.
Your expressions become a story in my head
& I try to read you, like this bad pun.
I try to make you laugh because I enjoy the sound.
I try to blur your world in ecstasy because you deserve it.
A try that never really is a try when it feels effortless.

When I was younger,
I didn't know my thoughts could wrestle my talents,
That my attitude was the wring leader.
I glamorized a life I didn't have,
The paparazzi of others people's lives.

But being shy has its own special skill,

Its' own subtle kill.

As I grew into an awkward angst,
My questions aimed more at myself;
Why am I
What did I
What am I
& I found that I'm startled sometimes by what I say,
That the observations from the sidelines apply today.
At times I feel an ocean pulled into my chest.
What I let in depends on within.
Deeper depths may leave me out of breath
& I could sink in solitary dark,
Or I could spit out insecure anchors
& rise to my standards & swim.

Something about that winter air rolling in
& all my exes telling me they love me again.
Boys I chased in the summer,
Hoping they would turn into men.
Boys I chased
So I wouldnt be caught,
Passive aggressive heart breaker that I am;
Scared,
Yet wanting so badly to connect.

I remember my third grade teacher
Telling me that her father only drank water
& he never had any cavities.
I remember Mickey Mouse on my lunchbox
& weird things my dad packed inside;
Dark rye bread,
Exotic cheeses.
I remember finding a gummy bear in the dirt
& eating it.
A neighbor girl who stole my Prince Eric doll
& left many barbies heartbroken for awhile.
I remember a doll & a dog named Molly.
I remember
falling and scraping my knee,
& wondering if I should cry or not;
& that being the last time I could choose.
I remember moments
With no real meaning
But what they mean to me
& to those I tell.

I feel so much like fire

I can be harsh & hot,

Rash & wild,

Loud & bright,

Vibrant & strong,

But I can be quiet.

I can be warm.

I can project silhouttes

Of romantic scenes & dreams.

I can burn for a purpose.

I can dance before your eyes

& make you want to come in-

But not too close.

I love an expressive face.

I remember this
silly depression creeping in
when I have hours
& see them bent on the ground with my anxiety
& a voice in my head
which I'm not really sure is my own says:
why can't you just fucking do it
do what you're supposed to
why can't you
do what responsible people do;
water your plants
pay your bills
leave early
meet deadlines
look like the walking dead in line
waiting for normal shit
why can't you
do what you're supposed to
but then I start to get defensive
I say I'm young &
I've made it farther than some.
My love would pay all bills
& cross off all to dos
if that's how you measure success.

I love writing because it's passive aggressively romantic,
just like me.
I'm telling you, but I'm not really saying it.
You're reading my words in your head.
You're doing it right now
& I love you for that.

Petty emotions are hard to let go of,
We like to hold hands sometimes,
& though it feels good at the time,
It's never meant to last.
If it does for you,
Then come on, you're forcing it
& the point youre trying to make.
I know it's seductive at first,
But
Real love
Adapts
Evolves
Moves.
Real love does not sit,
Sunken in the past is no place for it.
Real love might even watch you leave
If it means making you happy.
Real love speaks for itself,
It says with a special kind of chemistry in my skin
Your stories, your reactions,
Your touch, the way you move,
The everything about you,
Craves presence in my life.
Even if sometimes that means
Disrupted days
& not always the same page,
There is something about the way you are existing in this world
That makes me want to watch how it plays out.

There are things I could be doing,
but I distract & herd my thoughts
off a cliff into a glowing box that I stare at.
I ask selfish questions.
I sigh quickly for the world's pain
& then focus on my own.
I could be doing things
but I stare & sit & think about these things.
My curiosity curls upwards like smoke
& sends signals that are blurry & beautiful;
like this time in my life.
Sometimes sitting & thinking will pull at the corners of my eyes.
I get tired of the company of my mind.
I make it swim in simple,
make it act on impulse,
instead of trudging through the swamps of patient loneliness,
of self discovery,
of quiet & uneventful,
though the stirring in my heart becomes loud.
It's hard to face still silence,
to turn the glowing boxes off,
to leave it just to
the electricity of my thoughts that light up where I let them.

.Laura Curren. 

In these moments
I feel lost and hopeless,
I feel the need for arms telling me it's okay,
I feel the need for a hold to escape my reality,
A touch so intense I forget where I am.

I want so badly

to spread these feelings

over someone else,

To know what it's about,

What I am for all

& none to see,

What I am to you

& what I am to me.

I want to give that to you

but I am lonely and I am restless,

Kind yet reckless,

& scared of my potential;

My mind is the only fence I create,

& I'm so lucky that's the case,

So lucky I knew what love was

before it was ever a word in my world,

to translate word to thought,

to action,

to state of being,

& that's why

to me, and my world

life is worth living!

But
these moments
when I don't know
what to do
or who to see,
or how exactly to be me....
These moments
when I search not for resolution,
but feeling,
feeling connected,
feeling close,
When I can't do anything but hold myself,
my breath,
my hopes,
these moments,
are just for me.

You don't wanna think.
You wanna drink,
You wanna smoke,
You wanna do coke,
You want my legs around your back.
You wanna call me past midnight
& see if that's alright,
But I don't answer you,
I don't make it happen
Though we both know
It feels like forgetting pain,
It feels
Better than expected
& after
Never the same.

These are not the stories I will tell my children or grandchildren....Maybe when they're older...like the age I am now. I'm 26? What, no way.

I have been wading in options, bored, heart broken, bored. I have been too open and vulnerable, too callous, too flighty, too flakey, too anaytical, not analytical enough. All of these mistakes are collecting into walls around my heart. Naked Miley Cyrus riding a wrecking ball knows whats up when she talks about Liam knocking all that down. (Sorry that's just where my mind went for a second.)

All this makes me sound shallow, overly fixated on sex, and I am to an extent, but at the core of me, I want romance. I don't mean in a classic way, being courted I guess. I just want to be taken away by storm. The issues with stormy whirlwind romances though are that they can end just as abruptly. The last relationship I had was an exciting tornado that came into my life and disappeared. Call me? No.

Maybe what I really want is the love that starts slow at the roots....then one day shakes my branches and shows me what was blooming all along...shows me more metaphors to think of and write down. I read something the other day though that kind of awakened something in me. It said something along the lines of "Often times people ask for what they want in a mate... they say I want them to be smart, funny, honest, loving...etc. But rarely do we say I want to give this person this, I want to be this for/with this person, share this with them." And it made me think of how selfish I've been. I think this is the struggle of being 26. I still want to have fun, to go out, to be thrilled and excited, to be teased by mixed messages and feelings....yet I want someone I can rely on and you know, actually talk to about real things. Half of my friends are already getting married, the other half are going to drug filled music festivals and losing shit (I went to EDC too, and lost my phone...)

My vision for the future, though blurry, still tells me I will be happy, I will be okay. Facebook and all of it's wonderful sugary surface perception of things makes me feel somehow not caught up. I'm just floating along though. I don't feel 26. I don't feel like I have to get married or have babies anytime soon. I am a pretty kickass babysitter though, so I feel happy for people around me that do want these things. I've just always sort of been in the pull between things...that's just me. I'm an outgoing introvert. A selectively social clown. Passive aggressive. Sensitive and harsh. Maybe these mistakes that I think are collecting into bricks around me are just leading up to a higher view. I can keep going and make things better. I can get to where I want to stop and look and everything before just makes the view more beautiful. I can write and write and write and hope that someone hears me.

The look in your eyes 
is a vacation 
a postcard;
it's not real.
But I escape
in fleeting highs,
I let you sink in for a time.
I know I won't stay here
because if I start to
you're already packed 
& a world away. 

bff

You were drunk.
& peeing.
& crying.
I stood in the doorway to watch this toilet sinking ship.
"Youre just leaking everywhere!" I joked.
You laughed, hugging yourself;
the ultimate release.
Then you forgot your laughter
& went back to moaning.
"I'm not worthy of being lovedddd," you cried.
& wailed,
mascara lightning bolts down your cheeks.
"Oh shut the fuck upppp," I said.
"Would you listen to yourself? I'm not worthy of being loved..
what bullshit!
You are more than deserving,
so just stop it."
Then you started to laugh again.
"Maybe I'm just being a liiiiittle bit dramatic," you said.
& we laughed and I helped you up off your ass.
You flushed away some of your misery.
I forced you to eat some microwaved tortellini
& we watched that awful show you love
 & you fell asleep.
If that's not love I don't know what is.

about an ex

It's funny thinking about 
all of the feelings I've placed upon you.
All of the emotions & adjectives 
I decorated you in.
In my mind sprang a memory,
a poignant one to keep;
I remember you holding me
when I cried about leaving my childhood home.
We were in my room
for one of the last times
& you were rocking me like a little girl,
because I was your girl,
all of me & my memories,
you were loving me,
as a mess,
as a confession,
you were loving me.

I used to grab my mother's legs out of fear,
I was shy to the world without her near.
I would hide behind the fabric of her pants
& shut out the unknown in a concealed stance.
Friends with lovely soft, sweet faces
looked like threats in strange places.
These fears become heavier with the years,
they evolve to me leaving before there are tears,
leaving before it ends,
before the other comprehends
that I'm just scared.

.Laura Curren. 

Timing part II

Timing can make you laugh, but if it's not right, the joke is cruel.

So I was kind of obsessed with the thought of meeting someone in a random place. I found myself looking for somebody in the check out line, the treadmill next to me, my coffee cup.  I wanted a moment when someone discovered me-their thoughts were so interrupted by me, this woman who seems so fascinating and surely must be approached because who knows when she'll be around again. The problem with this is that if you are looking for someone to say that, it loses the whole discovery appeal. It might make you pull a Christopher Colombus and say hey this isn't really what I was looking for but I'll take it and even fake it by giving it a label it shouldn't be.

So I felt myself pining and I wanted to shove this feeling down from my searching eyes and keep them looking straight ahead. But I have googly eyes for love. I'm cross eyed for the shit. I cant keep my head on straight when I'm always turning it in somebody else's direction. I know this pulls me away from my own reflection. I know I am a fool for romance...but I admit I like to be fooled by it. It's something to write about. So I just tried to do my thing. And things were done. I went to the gym after working late at night. Single whatever, my ass looks great. So after sweating out some troubles, I went to sit in my own hard earned sweat in the steam room. I went in there but something was wrong. No curling clouds of steam, just stagnant dull air. Actually it smelled like hot ass. So then you came in- ducked in, because you're tall. Oooh hey, nice and tall. And you smile and say "hey, it's not working."

"Oh shit I was wondering!- I thought so...It smells fucking terrible in here."
You laughed and went back out to the hot tub you were originally sitting in. Thanks for getting up to tell me. Then I go sit down in the hot tub to tell you my name. You know my old friend/acquaintance and you're sitting together so this gives me an excuse to talk to you. My old friend is trying to talk to me more. But I want to talk to you. Old friend gets my number. But I want you to get it.

A week or so later I happen to finish my workout again at the same time you do but this time you are by yourself in the hot tub. Normally I would go to the steam room first but I dip in next to you. We talk for awhile amidst jets and relaxing strangers. I can tell you're staying longer to talk to me. I'm turning wrinkly because I like the way our conversation flows. I like those pretty gray green eyes and your tattoos and how tall you are. I like how you answer my questions and seem a little shy but comfortable around me. You seem deep. I like that you lit up a little when you saw me. I saw something dance under those eyelashes. I saw something. So we talked for a little too long. You smoke, I smoke, and we could smoke together so I use this as an excuse to take this conversation to a real place. "I'll give you some if you want," you tell me. I say yeah I'm running low (not really) so we plan to meet up at my car outside. I put on my change of clothes and take my hair down. I try to look pretty. I try to see me as you would. I see you coming towards me at my car. I'm kinda excited for you to see me looking like I do outside of hair thrown up, wearing my mismatched bikini in a hot tub full of wild card characters. A stew of sweaty strangers. I see you walking toward me. So tall! I imagine being scooped up in those arms. Take it easy brain/vagina I say to myself. But my mind has fantasies to enjoy, so be it. So you sit In my car and give me a fun lump of weed and I give you some money and a charming smile.
I say in my best cool casual way, "Well shit man come smoke with me sometime." But I'm not just gonna give you my number. There's a small pause and then you say "Well do you want my number in case you need some weed again?" "In case"-so safe.

I reply confidently, "Yeah. There you go." Then later I text you and thank you for your green sacrifice. We end up texting back and forth for the night. It's cool. I like it. It's easy to talk to each other.  I think about hanging out. Then I think about how perfect the timing was. I almost didn't go to the gym because of other plans but those fell through. Those fell through so I fall a little for you. I think how perfect that I happen to finish working out at that time. How perfect that you live in walnut creek and work in Danville near me. What great timing for this moment to happen. A couple days later I have a rare day off and ask what you're doing. Working. Ah man too bad I say because I want a partner in crime to come to Berkeley with me. So I say aw too bad cuz I'm going to Berkeley blah blah something something please think I'm cool and cute. But you never respond to that. Aw fuck then. I let it sit. Stew like strangers in a hot tub.

      I see you again a few days later. Well I see you playing basketball from the large glass window in front of the stretching mats/ballerina type bar thing looking down on the court. I throw one leg up on the bar and touch my toes. I lean longer than usual because I'm watching you pretending to be very involved in my stretch and not to watch you. I kind of think you see me. Or saw me and are now pretending not to know that I'm up above testing those hamstrings and secret spying looks. I also think you see me up there because you make a basket and hold onto the hoop dramatically like you own the court. You're currently owning it for me but still, I can't help but think Oh look he's showin off. How cute. But I'm also being a bit of a snob from afar because you never got back to me that last time. So I pretend like I'm not looking. I smile and lean to the side and avert my gaze. I have better things to look at I'm trying to say with my ankle resting up in the air. I don't need to look at you. But if I like something, its hard for me to hold back. A blessing and a curse. The right people love it. So I text you again a little bit afer this passive aggressive exchange that may have only been an exchange in my head.
"Hey you wanna smoke with me?"

No response for a little while. Oh great, oh well, oh this oh that. But! Oh! You do respond. Not just a short response but a well thought out one with proper grammar. I'm enamored. While reading it though, I find it sliding down to a point I didn't want it to go. Can't we go back up? You say you do want to hang out but don't want to give me the wrong impression. You have a girlfriend. You think I'm very attractive, down to earth, and easy to talk to. But you have a girlfriend. You say you didn't mean to be rude and cut me off because you think I'm pretty cool. You think I'm "really hot" and you say you guess you got "a little caught up" and you're sorry. I tell you I think the same of you and I appreciate your honesty. I tell you I'm always down for more friends and sorry if I came off as too aggressive. You tell me you can't lie, the aggressiveness was a turn on. that I threw you off a little. You'd still like to be friends though, and talk at the gym. I don't respond. Maybe another time.

8 second poem

dont you wanna
meet me
taste me
date me
taste what i taste
see how i feel about your flavor
see how we mix
how will it taste
what are my tastes
will you try them too
try me with you

I see your face in my frame of mind,
I pick an idea of how it will be.
I think about
our touches meeting
& wonder if its as good as seeing you.
I want you to show me
how you think of me,
how you interpret me,
if and when you do
because I want to be confident too
if it means I could know you more.

Personal

I woke up in your pristine bachelor pad
full of grays & blacks & modern furniture & countertops.
Samurai swords on the wall. A pool table. 
A big mirror in front of your bed. Fancy flasks & frames. 
No dust or dirt to be found. No pets, no stains, 
no pictures on a sleek yet huge, metal fridge. 
Only your own noise, your own toys.
Let me rephrase that- I woke up because you woke me up
to fuck & it was just that, a fuck. I stopped you.
Put a hand to your groomed chest hair
& said "Slow down," & the moment 
& harpooning boner was gone.
You climbed off of me & started to assemble yourself.
Crisp shirt, no wrinkles of course, an important tie 
to tie you together, hair just like it was molded last night,
sculpted facial hair that annoys me slightly because of that,
& I'm laying there with wild hair, an opened package,
& I start to open my mouth to say:
"You fuck like...I don't know how else to say this...
but you fuck like...umm..."
"How do I fuck? I'd like to know.." with mild scoffing 
& defensive laughing you say this & button up your shirt sleeves.
"I mean don't get me wrong. Last night you did me good...
explicit explicit [insert ego boost] but you fuck like...
like you haven't been in a relationship in awhile."
"Why 'cause it's not sensual?"
"Yeah."
We discuss the past. You've been the booty call for years. 
The successful bachelor. I could always tell you were more interested & maybe that's why I ran 
& maybe that's why you chased. Too easy & difficult all the same. 
You seemed to have been attracting 
a string of these types of ladies in the past few years. 
You admit "Maybe I just put out that vibe. I don't know." 
Then I wonder about the own vibe I put out. 
So all over the place. A walking contradiction. 
I just want to be sensually fucked. 

.Laura Curren.

I woke up in a tangent

If love and art are somehow fossilized from our culture,
Our planet won't seem to be as much the vulture
Of resources,
Of hate,
Of a spiteful breed,
Wanting not what we need.
But if you have a love for music,
I share it too.
It's for my soul to listen to,
It's what gets me through
Feeling sluggish with routine,
My feelings and what they mean,
For idle nothing and for everything,
Passion in the peaks of sound waves
That I will ride until my mind won't play them anymore,
Until I am only a skeleton of experience,
Until the universe swallows my spirit
And I am spread in the stars,
Until the energy of this life,
Of this being, this entity, this entirety,
explodes with chaotic beauty
With sound that shocks a current state,
And call it fate
But this seeming self destructive
Will actually be constructive
Of a new universe.
An infinite beauty
On and on
It just goes.
We just go on,
And I don't know where we go,
But I know that I will never die
as long as there is a song in my heart
As long as I live and breathe art;
The art of what speaks to my soul,
The art of discovering,
The art of love,
Something never mastered really,
And that's what makes it so profound.
Art and love,
Each more beautiful with each other,
They're never really over,
They're always recycled.
They comes swirling into my galaxy.
They are the spine of my ideals,
They frame my mind.
They speak differently to everyone but are a universal need for our kind.

Who's to say I'm in not in pain all day
When compared to what's consistent to another person
And how do they know that they hurt less than normal
Or more
When there's no "control" group
To be compared to
Normal was a word crafted
Out of the extraordinary fact that one day someone opened their mouth
And then words came out
And these were spelled to noun-ify things
And eventually, in more detail, to feel things and to sense them too,
To know that they were somehow trapped inside
before this miraculous thing
Became normal.
All I can say really is
Use those letters!
Craft them so well that they become a force greater than a punch through the wall.
Get lost in their possible meanings,
But ask
Please ask what words truly mean to say
And listen even if you don't want to hear it that way.

I guess I would be rude too
If I had nothing better to do.
You think as if your attitude doesn't matter.
I can taste your distaste.
I can feel your slap to the face
Just by your tone
And the demands you place.
I am maybe only a small element to your day,
But your negativity affects my work and my play.
It adds weeds to my good deeds
And if your perspective wasn't so flat
Maybe you would see I'm a person and not just that,
One with many feelings and talents,
Trying to find a balance
To my Atmosphere
And the world I create.
It is my own
And knowing what I've known
Makes me smarter and sadder,
But smiling cuz I've grown.
It's hard not to think of things in terms of amounting,
What I amount to,
But let's not count my change until I stop making the same mistakes.
I have trouble sleeping,
Worries I have trouble keeping.
I think too romantically sometimes
And my hopes get trapped in a tower,
Waiting for a prince,
A love to convince
My heart to keep beating the way it does,
Just like that,
Something about the way it sits in MY chest,
Something about me that you want to know the rest,
An answer to a question you would like to guess,
A friend you get to undress,
And rhyme to ,
Climb to
New levels of love with.
There is no limit, only tomorrow
And that's better than yesterday,
Let's keep it so everyday.
So please don't be rude to me
Because I took a little long getting your drink refill and ketchup.
I am more than your appalling attitude.

When I was barely a person
A baby you might say
I never strayed from my mothers side-
Except for this one time
When she was writing a check
And the high pitched panic in her voice
Alerted all the other 80's moms in the department store
That something wasn't right.
They lifted their teased haired heads up
like a Flock of Concerned Seagulls.
They knew something wasn't right
Because where the fuck was I?
I was being collected by some strange lady
Casually steering me out the doors and to the parking lot but
A good strange lady instinctively knew that I didn't belong to this person,
And brought me to my infinitely grateful mother
And I wonder
For a slight and scary second
What my life would be like if I had gone past that parking lot.

Mad

It is easy
to carry a torch
& pitchfork,
easy
to be rigid
& hot with assumptions,
easy as
violent apathy.
Not difficult
to have
fire in your eyes
& angry ammunition.
While you are aiming,
you don't see the arrow in your own chest.
A tidal wave of fuck you
turned to a pool of regret.
Because
talking about it seems soft
although
it's harder to do,
harder because it says there's not just a me but a you,
harder to be vulnerable to pain,
harder to try to understand,
to let go of your weapons of defense in hand.
& I guess
smashing a window is one way to open one,
but it's not the best.

Reading everything from the past month kind of makes me cringe. I was truly sad though, and I let myself feel everything. Life is getting better & scarier simultaneously. I think I'm just getting the swing of things and then some pebble of plot twist fucks with the spokes in my wheels. I am still excited though.

This is the 666th post (including drafts) and it freaks me out.

Settling down,

It sounds like you're stabling the wild stead of my youth away.

I want to settle up.

I want to raise the bar graph of my personal growth.

I want to be a better person to myself,

Before anyone else.

I want to make sure

You're as sure about me

As I am about myself.

1987

Slow & steady wins the race,
say all the tortoises of the world.
I find it funny & strangely perfect
that I was born in the year of the rabbit.
Hoppin' around,
        feelin' it out,
curious & fidgety,
        fuckin' like one,
not thinking ahead,
getting beaten by deadlines
& stupid things,
        losing track of time,
sleeping through responsibilities,
        living in a fantasy world,
but awww it's so silly & cute!

.Laura Curren.

but this instead

I left Kaelin's at 12. I thought I would go to sleep when I got home right away. I stayed up until 6 am instead. Doing...what? Looking through forums to relate. Looking for music nonstop. Listening to the Wale station on pandora and trying to write out my thoughts. Putting together a playlist to beat my muscles up to. I'm doing pretty good. Tired, but good. I think about you a lot less but you still show up.

I was making a quesadilla and noticed one of the pictures from my fridge randomly fell off. My brother as a baby looking absofuckinglutely delighted that he's holding a baby chick and my mom equally as excited by his reaction. I look under and between all kitchen crevices and can't find it. I look for other pictures to put up and find the folded piece of paper with your number on it and the valentine you made for me. I knew those were in there but it was a pandora's box of sorts for me to open (droppin the pandora word again). I unfolded the paper and looked at your number and how you wrote your name and I held it there. I thought about saying things. My self esteem says no thank you but my heart says not to close the door. Sometimes I feel like I leave too many doors or small windows of forgiveness and hope open though and this means that they (lovers, suitors, douches, gentleman callers) all come when I'm not ready. Isn't that always the case? Maybe not. Eventually. I've heard more than once people tell me it's the idea of love I'm in love with. That idea looked pretty good on you though.

So while I'm looking through all this, sorting physically and mentally, I start to smell burning. Fuck! The top half of my quesadilla is burnt as shit. A black crispy frisbee. I spatula off this plagued top of the quesadilla and fold over the still decent bottom half. Oh well. Solve and make due. Move on. Not what I thought but still alright. The next quesadilla will be bettter riiiiiight? God it's annoying how often I think in metaphors.

You put this song on my CD

and I hate that I like it so much

rough draft. dont judge me-but its out there just like me

I'm tired of sharing my body and heart
& waiting for a response,
Tired of waiting turning into apathy,

Tired of showing my whole world 

& being given a piece.

Tired of past feelings telling me differently.

Tired of fucking up good boys with good hearts

with my issues.

Tired of being the girl who got away

When I just want to be here-

& there, in the moment.

Maybe that's my problem;

I'm so in the moment, 

I don't think about the next possible ones.

I'm the impulsive fuck,

but damn, it feels good.

I'm shallow with options,
looking for deeper depths,
but haven't found them yet.
Tired of thinking I have
& watching my wishes blow away.
I'm tired of being so expressive to bricks,
to nothing, that's it.
"I don't talk, I don't do that."
Memories cut me up at random times.
Don't unhinge my smile when its starting to work again.
Don't say I'll see you around
When that's the first and last thing I want.
Don't tell me you cant be who you were.
You're still you,
However nicely framed you were,
This is you now,
& you cant hold the picture,
You can't stay.

I've thought about

sending you this message:

Hey, I'm your friend. I hope you're doing alright. 

but I just can't.

the feelings fade everyday, which relieve and scare me if I'm honest

fading away, but I remember

I thought I wanted someone just like me,
but I want someone who communicates well,

ouch....did I just insult myself? Kinda.

Maybe the older version of me...

the better version of me that makes me want to be better

but then a voice says "you have to do that all by yourself"

shit

me, unfinished

I just wrote this and it seems like an obnoxiously honest dating profile or something..


I definitely can be expressive if I want to be.
My hands and eyes will dance and I'll really tell you a story.
That being said, sometimes I think of my love as this kind of story.
Maybe I get too caught up sometimes, maybe I make the mood more dramatic than it needs to be...but it is a memorable experience. It paints a picture, and hopefully we see the same one with our own perspectives.

I know I have my issues.
I know they might be hard to love too, but you have to if you want all of me. Whether I like to admit it to myself or not, I can tell when youve given up. You'll know when I know too because my touch will lose dimension. I will feel flat. I won't touch you like we have a future, like we have something between us more than this moment. If weve established between the both of us that's it's just a physical thing, yeah ill still be passionate, but nothing like with the promise of trust.

I know I hide behind makeup; I'm scared to be that completely vulnerable with someone.
So when or if you do see me without my painted armor, know that I must think youre really something special.
I have a drinking problem. I love to drink but after a certain point drinking doesnt love me anymore. Drinking makes me wake up confused and feeling stupid. Enough.

I fall too quickly and hard sometimes. I get stars in my eyes and then theyre plucked away from my sight. I am dramatic, if you couldn't tell. And impulsive. It hurts and teaches my heart.

I love words. Ironically I can be painfully bad with communication.
I act like I'm tough, but I'm sensitive as fuck sometimes (trying to be tough by saying fuck).
I get lost in my own head and fall off a social cliff.
I want the messages though, even if I'm not replying.

I have fucked up. A lot. I've made many mistakes. Some have really cut into me, but it has/is shaping me. I have been badly hurt and I have badly hurt someone. I'm not proud of it but I am thankful for what I've learned.

I have been and can be very selfish.
I do get jealous. I will try to play it cool unless you push my dont you dare buttons.
I can be/have been very hypocritical...but who hasn't been really. Understanding comes through experiences.
I pick up on people's moods like an emotional sponge. I feel weighed down by it sometimes. When I'm with someone, I crave their emotions. I want to attract the positive ones.
I can be extremely hard on myself. There could be a mental civil war happening.
I'm not above pouting. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's so easy to tell when I'm not pleased.

Sometimes I rely on sex too much as a validation of the relationship's health or myself. Sometimes sex is the only way I know how to express my love.
I think about things too much. This is good and bad.
I also avoid things. Like crazy. But....I have some panicked realization of this later on and try to ask for forgiveness from others and myself.
I know when you invest in someone it's like this fun exciting vacation at first, but along with it comes a visit to the baggage claim. If you accept and go along with the trip after this then maybe it'll even eventually become your home...

I love to laugh at silly things like puns. I love to make other people laugh more. I love somebody with a great sense of humor.
Somebody with an undeniable glow and magnetism. A passion for life.
I love somebody who loves me
and I say to this person:

'll be your endless puzzle if you'll be my endless puzzle. Some days we might wonder how this all works out in the larger picture...but our pieces will just seem to fit. 

I'll make you feel beautiful if you make me feel beautiful. At least I will try depending on how deep your scars are.
Connect my dots and punctuate them into exclamation points of passion.
I have a vast view over the walls I've built. Hang in there...I'll try to make it worth the climb. 

I want to always keep learning whether it is from a book or from people, I want to study the world. People mostly. People terrify and fascinate me.

I am so scared of getting my heart broken again but I'm loving and understanding myself more each day; my own heart is becoming more of a priority. Some days I'm exhausted of myself though and I wonder how anyone could put up with me.
My love is deep. You will sink if we don't talk.

Some people might see my arms as empty, carrying nothing, but they are open.
I will give you the best hugs. My smile will radiate and cut through the crowd to reach you across the room if you let me love you.
I will try to make mundane things seem like an adventure.
If I believe in your attitude, I will believe in you.
There is wisdom in admitting you don't really know anything. But hey, be smart. I'm not hanging around if youre not willing to really think about things.

Special, wanted, trusted, loved, happy. Lets keep those feelings.

and....I'm done..

for now

Oh. All I can do is rattle out a sigh. The timing of things...I remember you saying that in bed next to me and slap a palm to your forehead. Now I'm doing the same in my bed alone. How absolutely, heartbreakingly, disappointing. It's hard for me to want to trust my excitement. I feel like I have all these love skeletons and they are just coming out all at once. Here's all my bullshit. Here's me thinking it's more than it is, again. I'm so sad. This post sucks. It's for me though. Just me.

Last night I was stretching on the floor
Stretching muscles and thoughts
And I saw a spider planted in the carpet.
I don't usually kill them...but this one frightened me a little.
It wasn't like one I've seen; a rotund spotted body with dainty legs and I had the thought to crush it. Smash it into off white fiber and see those 8 limbs splayed in a smushed pile.
I had the thought to get rid if it because I was unsure of its intentions, which could be poisonous.
But it seemed so easy to calculate and crush, so I stopped myself.
I watched the tiny legs twitch and adjust to a fluffy terrain and it felt like I was capturing something else. I let it go, I let it be.

We are fun people who are kinda hard to get to know
Even though we are open in all sorts of ways, there are parts we may never show
And you may leave feeling like you never knew at all
This version of a person is not what you remembered
Or choose to remember
But when the passion is genuine
When those looks could light matches
Disastrous or promising
It is fiery
All consuming

When I look back at my positive post on the 27th (which isnt when actually wrote that, it was a few days before), I just feel stupid. I didn't know what was really going on. You wouldn't tell me. You would talk to me and not really say anything. It seemed like you didn't want to talk. I was right. I saw you and it was fucking wonderful. It was great. It reminded me of what I want. How I should feel when I'm with someone. and then....the morning brought reality and you left when I was no longer being a happy distraction. I don't know what to do. I guess there is no doing. There is waiting. There is hoping. There is pulling back. I think you're worth it. but your head is not in that place. It is far away. I hope you think of me when it returns.

BASTILLE // THE DRAW ("All This Bad Blood" Edit)

sunday morning

I collect my thoughts
& spread them on my palms,
hoping you'll read them.
I collect them in my hands
& blow them in your face.
Read that.
When I'm frustrated
& don't understand
why you act the way you do 
only then do you speak
to tell me that it's all inside,
in a neat mess,
tied up & tangled by your silence.
I try to unravel it with my words
but you don't even want to begin.
I add to the knots,
the troubled thoughts,
& you want to leave
& no longer speak
& my love feels weak
for not finding the center of the maze 
built inside you.
It's already enough for you
when I start to ask deeper questions;
the sticks & stones in your tones
make me quiet 
& I have nothing left to say
except I'm sorry,
but you're gone already.

up randomly at 4:39 am so im embracing it. I haven't had a consistent night's sleep in awhile. There is a lot going on around me. I'm worrying about a lot of people. But there are happy things to come too. I feel disconnected from pens. Maybe because I use them when serving so much that the pen has become a tool for work and not for play or therapy. So I will type. I feel changes occurring in my surroundings and its natural to sort of tense up to this but I think that instead I will release my shifting shoulder blades and just open my arms, mind, and heart to possibility. Today was good; I ended up making a good amount of money and June and Kate were working with me so we all decided to hang out after work. Kate snuck me into her gym (when we were leaving the guy at the front pointed this out but just smiled about it and checked us out) and I sweat out some frustrations. After pushing myself enough, I met up with Kate at the pool. She waved at me all swim capped and goggled and with fuckin cool underwater headphones. We sat in the steam room and then sat in the hot tub and I felt content with how I was spending my time. It felt good that I worked and worked out. I want to be better at this. I think I can be. I want to be more motivated and ambitious. I have such romantic notions of everything falling into place...and while sometimes this is true and does happen, sometimes you have to make it happen. I want to have something published, I want get my real deal teaching license, I want to learn more things, I want to be a better friend and communicator, I want to be better all around. I feel this world is ending more rapidly than many of us would like to admit so I think it's important to have a good energy to oneself. Be someone other people want to be around.


...now juxtapose this to my current morning. I woke up to June making noise getting ready. Everything seems to have settled since then...I felt sleepy& sore yet satisfied. I've been taking a lot better care of myself....food, water, exercise, reminding myself to relax. I feel good but I'm not without concerns. A special someone I'm feeling the distance from. After I woke up I went to the Martinez Starbucks because the Walnut Creek one seemed too pretentious because my hair was all fucked up. As I waited for my drink the young guy barista kept fucking up this one machine (coffee thingy?) and then he just made this funny sound: Uffffrrrrmmmmmm and I started to laugh. No one else did and he just looked up at me and smiled. Then I had the thought : because what do I have to worry about? Lucky that I have such wonderful people I care about to worry about. Lucky I have no pressing responsibilities and a schedule that lets me be free. I am a giant child. I can handle my bills. I have a family that hugs me openly and makes me feel so loved I don't even quite understand it. I have great luck. I have a house I love and fresh air and music and love, endless love inside me. I have so much to be thankful for. Appreciationnnnnnnnnn. Good morning.

For a new baby Curren (not mine!)

Welcome to our love and special take,

Here you are already in open arms.

I wonder if you'll have me and my brother's nose

Or maybe your mom's cute little one.

I bet you'll be smart,

Maybe shy and sweet,

Perhaps a little devil as my brother seemed to be.

But every day that your heart grows,

I bet it's growing bigger than most

Because where you come from

Will love you

Before you know what that is.

They will show you how to be kind

& build your self esteem,

Paint nails and rep your favorite teams,

& meet a furry pillow named Jake.

(He might be a little jealous of you for awhile but will love you too)

They'll help you build your dreams

As you came to them as one;

Unexpected yet welcomed,

Like discovering that you love someone.

opening up like a sexual little flower
creating my own visions
forming an idea of life
trying to live my ideals
testing my patience
luck,
joints,
& heart
finding more questions than answers
finding answers I wasn't questioning
Love finding me
in various states;
being at peace
ironically produced the most fire,
a consuming desire
to know me.
searching for passions.
looking for a frame
of a future picture.
looking, looking.
losing
and finding the light in your eyes.
im only 26
but someones only younger than that
my life is not settled
its very childish
i still get wild
make people talk shit
still cause eyes to roll
and have no real plans.
in the moment
& as silly as I sound.
I don't mind what you do
as long as you do it with love
I wish for more of that in everyones life
I wish for sighs of relief
found wallets and keys
I wish for looks only the two of us can know
for just being happy to see you
before dialogue or sunlight
when youre the first thing i touch
when you and sleep are within reach
hearing you laugh in the morning
im getting distracted
again
by your look in my mind
& always by
the love i find
though it was always there

My insecure fears
growing over the years
tell me that
the more you know me
the more youll go away
but I at least say
let me have today

to someone special

I may do stupid shit.
I might get sensitive. (sometimes, maybe)
I might put words in your mouth
until I figure it out.
I might lose the sparkle in my eye,
but it'll come back when I laugh.
I won't always say the right things,
I might get mean
& make you walk home in the cold.
But I would very much like to:
Conquer couches & different cities.
Burn you so many mixes
that your music library is in flames. (on fiyahhhh)
Show you what I like-
those thrones with games.
& just like you described;
I am a wave,
full of exhausting passion,
but a fun ride nonetheless.
I can be exciting
like thunder & lightning
& I can be myself & no one else,
& if you let me,
I would very much like to
learn about, from, & with you.

Some people like to be lost in their own storms
you hold out an umbrella for them
and theyre like what the fuck is this
this isnt going to help
and throw it back at you
but you just shrug
and say hey fine
get drenched
its not much
but its something
if you dont want it
then ill keep it
someone else will smile
and youll be all soaked up
with yourself

Jhené Aiko - The Worst (Explicit)

also obsessed with this one

little playlist action

You make me want to
dust off my books,
wipe tables where our drinks leave rings,
fold my clothes & take them off.
You make me want to try.
You make me want to clean
so we can make a mess.

Russell Brand - The only thing that matters to any of us is Love

Dating Adventures

I was 20 years old, living in the dorm apartments at San Jose State. I had friends, but I was lonely. Longing for connection. Slowly but surely coming out of my cave. I could have looked for different hobbies, or classes, or clubs, or sports, but nah I looked for a boy instead. San Jose was vast and I felt small and shy. So many places I didn't venture to because I would seclude myself to a glowing laptop in a tiny room (At least this room is bigger and this laptop is better). 20, what a strange age. You're so almost but not quite. I certainly felt like that.
    So I can't remember why I was taking the elevator downstairs....in fact I usually took the stairs (you're welcome ass) but I wasn't gonna meet anybody by staying in my room. I think I was going down to the food court to get a Subway sandwich. Romantic. When I stepped into the elevator there was a very attractive young man looking back at me. Not a dude or a guy, but a young man ( I found out he was 8 months younger than me though). He smiled. I smiled. I liked his glasses and dark brown hair. I liked how tall he was and his loop worthy arms. I liked how he was smiling at me. I like how he startled me with conversation.
  "So, are you going to look at the eclipse?"
       "There's an eclipse?"I said with surprise and interest.
 Then I listened to you explain how you were going to go look at it. I watched your pretty hazel eyes open and scrunch with expression and I decided you were really cute. Something about you mentioning an event happening in the sky too I guess. It felt like it was "in the stars." I don't care if that's cheesy. I am cheesy. It feels good to be when you're happy. But then the elevator paused at your stop, as they are prone to do. I wasn't done talking to you though! You smiled again and said some innocently cute thing like "Go watch the eclipse! Take care." Something kind of nerdy but adorable. You have to understand too that my hair was bright red, I had a nose ring, tongue ring, I had the 20 year old girl thing going. Finding my fashion sense and myself. I looked like I would fuck this guy up. Corrupt him to the core. This cute little square bear. He's adjusting his glasses and I'm adjusting my boobs. Anyway, he left the elevator. I was sad but it was a weird transition. Like, what am I going to call out after him as he steps out? "Wait!!! You're the only cute boy I've found so far! Everyone has been already attached or a dickhead! Come back nice boy." I didn't do that. But, I did make a sign.
        I made a sign (crafted at my tiny built in dorm desk) that said: "You asked me about the eclipse. You have glasses and brown hair. You're really cute! It was nice to talk to you :) " Then I took this sign with me in the elevator and held it to my chest to hide it from other people. I waited until I was alone in the elevator because that's just an odd situation for people to see you tape up a missed connection sign. I was alone; sign taped. Then more people got on the elevator and read the sign I just taped in front of me. They would laugh and say how cute it was. This also felt like a social experiment. A couple days passed and my cinderfella had not come to claim it was him. I know that was a terrible pun. I saw that my sign had moved though, to a specific floor...maybe someone was aiding my cause and knew he lived on that floor? Miraculously that same day I bumped into him. Literally.  "Oh, I'm sorry...hey did you...?" and I looked up and saw those pretty hazel eyes and then freaked the fuck out inside cause I was embarrassed.
"Oh, hey, yup that was me."
"Oh, wow,that is so cool. You just did that?"
"Yeah, I'm spontaneous like that." (sales pitch)
So then he just kinda paused and looked at me smiling looking like he was thinking "well I'll be damned." But I think even in his head he's too square to swear. Pause over.
"Well uh, can I get your number?"
"Yes!" SMILE.

So then exactly 2 days later he called me. A phone call seemed very old fashioned somehow. I was expecting a text but was glad he didn't. He then said he doesn't have text messages so that made sense. He was inviting me out for a date. How formally cute. I accepted.
As we were strolling around together some differences were noted. A homeless, shopping cart wielding, woman walked by us reeking of weed. I started giggling.
"Woo, hello" I said.
"Do you do that?" he asked
"Do I do weed?" I said almost chuckling.
"Yeah, have you?"
"Yes, I have...and do."
"Oh." he said
"Have you?"
"No."
"Oh." I said
Then I explained how it makes me feel and why and blah blah blah and he listened but I could tell he just labeled me as wrong. And whatever, at this point I could have smoked less weed than I was so I wasnt ruling him out because he didnt like to set the same plant I like on fire and smoke it. He said some things that rubbed me the wrong way like "Love never means having to say you're sorry" and I said that was bullshit. I also said "real mean apologize" and he shook his head at me and said no. And I said, "Really, it takes a certain strength to admit you're wrong. Love is about compromise." But he already shut my idea down. Nope. Then after these debates, I wouldnt even say conversation really, we kissed. I was very surprised it was a good kiss. I even told him that. "Opposites attract," he said and then went in to kiss me again. It was a kiss to melt into. I was alarmed by how passionate it was. Then he told me he was a virgin. Okkkay. But we were still pretty young so I didn't walk out on him there. It was again, just another difference noted. He was different. College is about differences. So I gave it a shot.
      Our differences became more and more apparent. I remember stopping by his dorm one saturday night before going to a toga party at a frat. I had made my own toga out of leopard print fabric and I had been taking some underage shots with my underage friends. Here I am, a rare, spotted, lush. He was sitting at his desk, studying. On a saturday. I needed (and still do) to be a more responsible person, but this was too much. I know I was some spice in his life that he always avoided and now he was trying a taste. So I laughed at his books and he laughed at my toga. And you could laugh at this Dharma and Greg shit. And we made out and I bid him farewell. I had places to be drunk in and he had texts to digest. It probably should have ended right there but it ended for me, mentally, on our last date.
         We hung out in his very clean and organized dorm (oh my god if he ever saw mine at that moment...) and he wanted to watch the movie Gattaca. I'd never seen it. Cool. After the movie I asked him if he ever thought about there being worlds outside our own. A planet just like ours. Or like ours but slightly different. Or entirely different. There could be galaxies that stretch out infinitely. Or is it infinite? and he just said, "No." Thats it, "No." I tried to probe further. Ask the same questions in a different way but all I got was "No." He narrowed his mind to whatever I was saying and that was it. Then I narrowed my mind towards him and that was that.

the stages of love

You kinda.
You wanna.
You want to.
You do.
You are.

you're angry,
but we both cry.
we hold each other.
that's what we have right now.
& we know
when we let go
there is no tomorrow. 

Just would like to add as a side note: this is not directed at anyone specific. Amy I know you read this and it's definitely not directed at you! I love you guys. You guys are ready.

What.is.the.rush.? Okay, maybe it's happening around you. Maybe every other Facebook status has an instagramed engagement photo and omg you want one of those too. Or omg your friends are having a baby and you want one of those too.Alright,  if you want all those things, that's your choice, but most good things need to simmer so to speak.  I'm not saying the party ends when you're married, but if you feel like you want to be with someone forever, take the time to really be sure. Live together, find out their strange habits and quirks. Are you always yourself around them? Do they know the right spots to hit and make you orgasm physically and mentally? Is this what you always want? Digest their mannerisms, roll over and look at them in the morning and decide "yes" everyday. Study your feelings with this person and how they radiate out of you. It bothers me when women tell me a timeline of these goals: "I want to be married by the time I'm 26 and have kids by the time I'm 30."

And in my head I say "Uhhhh what about by the time you meet someone you feel so strongly about that you want to share your entire world with them, forever. Or when you're established as an independent human being. When you're done finding yourself. When you've found a career you're passionate about. When you're financially stable and can provide for yourself should anything happen. When you feel you've loved yourself, alone, long enough. When you can say your stories, experiences, and values have shaped you for the better. Take it all in. For awhile. Have fun. Be stupid. Make mistakes. Break hearts. Get your heart broken. The world is vast. The time is now. Open your arms not just to a man but to everything you want. Study yourself. Indulge and be selfish while you can. Explore! Go! Marinate in possibilities. Dig into your desires. Develop your mind more."

But in person I just say: "That's cool, I think I'm gonna wait awhile." 

This happened the other day

Driving home from work,
Driving in picturesque suburbia,
Giving that volume knob a friendly turn to the left,
Trees all along the streets,
Nice cars polluting nicely,
& I see a father and his kids,
Scooters and helmets.
Lookin like Michaels, Scotts, and Matthews,
But before I can smile at this
Boyish whiteness,
I see the father take the scooter
& shove it towards his son,
Shove it hard and angrily,
To show that this is no longer fun.
I roll down the window
& yell out : "You dick!"

Relief

Thank you for
knowing me and seeing the real me
telling me when I'm getting out of hand
being concerned
loving me anyway
telling me the truth however prickly it is
being there when I need you
Not saying anything at all...even when you just fall asleep on my couch like you tend to do
Cooking amazing food that brings people together
making me feel special on my birthday and special in general
always making me smile
I love you!

He knows better,
She knows better,
But he'll let her
Think she's in control,
So he can sell his charm
And around goes his arm
Around her.
She likes it there,
However momentary,
Like conquering a cloud.
Just a dumb little waitress
Who's not really that dumb,
But likes to have fun.
So maybe when she opens her eyes
She says oh no what now.
She rolls over to a sleeping mistake
And her reality is shaken awake.
So maybe she knows its not right
But it's good for the experience,
Good for the writer's plight,
Cause she likes to do that too
And stay awake too long at night.
She likes to feel anything but nothing.
When she thinks she doesn't want him anymore,
He stirs it up inside
And she leaves her clothes on the floor.
But
Feelings are feelings,
Precious no matter how they are formed,
Rather to feel them than to be bored.
Sometimes they are easier to define
When you are not speaking of yourself,
So it's hard for me providing service
To a man selling something else,
Something not as it may seem,
When I just want the man,
But dumb waitresses can dream.

A text from a real friend

"...the universe tends not to work in negatives...
If you keep telling yourself what you don't want, it will manifest itself into your life regardless...
Maybe instead be kind and supportive to yourself?
Maybe tell yourself that you would like to make your partying a little healthier and that you would like to make an effort to treat yourself and others as you would hope anyone would treat you or your best friend?
Just live with love Laura, and I know your life will become what you want it to be.
You aren't an asshole, you just need to remind yourself of who you are and what you are all about. Find yourself again Laura, I know you are in there..."

Don't get me wrong,
(Which is such a simple way to say
Please understand me),
You are great!
I want to bite your neck and mind
And savor you one piece at a time,
Obsess about you seasonally,
And use up all your resources
Of time and energy.
If I wasn't attracted to you
This would be much easier,
"This" being my feelings.
but,
I think I'm more in love
With my feelings than you
So don't get too scared,
'Cause its me, not you.